THIS is what i've been holding on for
THIS is what i'm now clinging onto
THIS is all i have left
and THIS is all i could ever possibly need
at the very least, you are all i could have possibly ever dreamed of.
no, no, no. you are more than that.
there aren't words for what you represent.
this is why i will never be able to explain it to you.
THIS is love.
Monday, December 27, 2010
it's all been for THIS
if only we weren't in this situation
if only he weren't involved
if only we could be alone
funny, i've never wanted to be alone before
but i guess when you're alone together, it's not so bad
if only we could feel as much as we wanted
and express that feeling
with as much feeling as we deemed necessary
if only you knew what you represented
and supported
he is life support. and i hope he never pulls the plug.
then again, i wouldn't blame him if he did.
if only he weren't involved
if only we could be alone
funny, i've never wanted to be alone before
but i guess when you're alone together, it's not so bad
if only we could feel as much as we wanted
and express that feeling
with as much feeling as we deemed necessary
if only you knew what you represented
and supported
he is life support. and i hope he never pulls the plug.
then again, i wouldn't blame him if he did.
Friday, October 29, 2010
i guess i'm cool like that.
kinda sad that
the only thing that makes me feel beautiful
(besides you, obviously)
is sitting at home
on my own
wearing a platinum blond wig
that is kind of like...david bowie ate janis joplin
and playing world of warcraft
while watching a disney movie
WTF IS MY PROBLEM?!
the only thing that makes me feel beautiful
(besides you, obviously)
is sitting at home
on my own
wearing a platinum blond wig
that is kind of like...david bowie ate janis joplin
and playing world of warcraft
while watching a disney movie
WTF IS MY PROBLEM?!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
♥
i'm so glad you're not mad
just when i thought
that everything had gone all wrong...
i'm just...glad.
euphoric, actually.
i thought you were going to be the end of me.
just when i thought
that everything had gone all wrong...
i'm just...glad.
euphoric, actually.
i thought you were going to be the end of me.
Monday, October 11, 2010
amazing how i could squeeze myself through such a small window.
unable to breathe
wailing in a state of loss
for the one thing
that had managed to keep me alive for so long
and then it was gone
and wailing
at the prospect of a new beginning
with someone who makes me happier than you ever could have
terrified of the light presented before me
small though it was,
i've had a bad experience
with stars and their ways of being
i'm not sure i have space for another crater on my soul
but i suppose, we'll see how it goes
with a star as significant as you
wailing in a state of loss
for the one thing
that had managed to keep me alive for so long
and then it was gone
and wailing
at the prospect of a new beginning
with someone who makes me happier than you ever could have
terrified of the light presented before me
small though it was,
i've had a bad experience
with stars and their ways of being
i'm not sure i have space for another crater on my soul
but i suppose, we'll see how it goes
with a star as significant as you
i love you. i'm sorry.
he is the only one
who has ever had the ability
to...
render me speechless
and unable to breathe
we're always in sync...
looks like,
i've fallen into this trap
all over again.
who has ever had the ability
to...
render me speechless
and unable to breathe
we're always in sync...
looks like,
i've fallen into this trap
all over again.
Monday, September 27, 2010
you're a bitch, and that's what i like about you.
be in a photo with me
i need proof
that beautiful things,
like this,
can be real and not just dreams.
you're a living statue of adonis.
i am living proof of
less-than-mediocrity.
beautiful things like these
shouldn't happen,
especially between people
like you and me.
the fall is often not worth
the climb or the impact
but i fall into that trap every time.
i need proof
that beautiful things,
like this,
can be real and not just dreams.
you're a living statue of adonis.
i am living proof of
less-than-mediocrity.
beautiful things like these
shouldn't happen,
especially between people
like you and me.
the fall is often not worth
the climb or the impact
but i fall into that trap every time.
Monday, September 20, 2010
one of my few attempts at short stories.
i can never seem to forget that phone call, no matter how hard i try. it plagues me all hours of the day. your words ring clear in my mind;
"i can't do this anymore. it's just too much."
it was always too much for you to handle. it never ceases to surprise me how i talk of you in the past tense, as if you're already gone.
i remember sitting in the kitchen at the old wooden table. my mom told me once that you could still see the marks from where my grandfather's shirt buttons wore it down, but i could never find them. i searched for them again (a fruitless endeavor, no doubt) while also searching my brain for a solution to the big question; how could i save you?
i decided that a second opinion might help, so i went to my father. i told him that you'd called, and i told him what you'd said. his expression changed from one of pleasant surprise to one of grave sadness. i remember feeling happy because it made me feel like he would treat the situation with the importance it deserved.
the air between us began to feel awkward, so i went back to the kitchen.
later, when i went to bed, i felt confident that we'd be able to fix this. i decided that the situation was essentially resolved, although i couldn't shake the sinking feeling i had in the pit of my stomach.
i awoke the next morning on a bench. it was a very chilly fall morning and dew covered any and all surfaces outside, making them sparkle like a thousand tiny diamonds. it was beautiful.
noticing that i'd woken up, my father came over to me. as i rolled over to greet him, i noticed a crowd of about 50 people standing in your yard.
"where are we?" i asked.
he told me "we're at his house. we didn't want to tell you earlier because we know you two were close and we didn't want you to let it slip by accident, but we're throwing a surprise funeral for him and his family."
i could barely breathe. the news of your death hit me square in the heart, like a wrecking ball hitting an abandoned, rotted building.
i refused to believe it. if you were gone i wouldn't still be here, so i began searching the faces in the crowd for you. for answers; for anything.
i checked every single face floating around in your yard. every single one of them stared back at me with pity and curiosity, as if they'd never seen someone grieve before. everyone wore very old-fashioned black clothing, and not a single one of them was you.
it was only then that i noticed the girl.
she sat, perched atop your tree house, and flanked by two man-sized crows. she was blonde, with an athletic build. she had blue eyes and wore a simple outfit of a pink tshirt and jeans. she didn't have any shoes on. her expression was blank. i watched her for what felt like a very long time. she never moved. it seemed that she never even breathed, she was so still. she rarely blinked, but more so stared at the crowd and watched us all.
her eyes never once settled on me.
nobody else seemed to notice her. when i asked my father who she was, he said that she was an old friend of yours.
she frightened me and made me angry. i decided that i hated her.
i began to sob, wailing in a state of loss and grieving for not only you, but parts of me that had died as well.
and then you arrived.
your mother pulled the car into the driveway and parked. she seemed almost pleasantly surprised by the mass of people awaiting her in the yard. as the crowd moved in to pay their condolences, i saw you step out of the passenger side.
in your angry, silent way, you stood and waited. i've never been sure what it is you were waiting for, but you continued to wait nonetheless.
the girl's eyes focused on you. as if she were waiting as well.
i could hear all of the funeral guests talking to your mother, and it made me want to scream.
how is it that i can see you, but they can't? you're still alive! you're still here!
and nobody even noticed.
i screamed a scream that felt so large it swallowed me, and it became me.
and at the same time i never made a sound.
we were never heard, you and i. but then again, you never really tried to be.
the girl continued waiting in her silent, eerie way.
and the crowd moved on with the funeral proceedings.
all the pieces of what we had lay broken on the ground, the only flaw to be seen on that beautiful fall morning.
"i can't do this anymore. it's just too much."
it was always too much for you to handle. it never ceases to surprise me how i talk of you in the past tense, as if you're already gone.
i remember sitting in the kitchen at the old wooden table. my mom told me once that you could still see the marks from where my grandfather's shirt buttons wore it down, but i could never find them. i searched for them again (a fruitless endeavor, no doubt) while also searching my brain for a solution to the big question; how could i save you?
i decided that a second opinion might help, so i went to my father. i told him that you'd called, and i told him what you'd said. his expression changed from one of pleasant surprise to one of grave sadness. i remember feeling happy because it made me feel like he would treat the situation with the importance it deserved.
the air between us began to feel awkward, so i went back to the kitchen.
later, when i went to bed, i felt confident that we'd be able to fix this. i decided that the situation was essentially resolved, although i couldn't shake the sinking feeling i had in the pit of my stomach.
i awoke the next morning on a bench. it was a very chilly fall morning and dew covered any and all surfaces outside, making them sparkle like a thousand tiny diamonds. it was beautiful.
noticing that i'd woken up, my father came over to me. as i rolled over to greet him, i noticed a crowd of about 50 people standing in your yard.
"where are we?" i asked.
he told me "we're at his house. we didn't want to tell you earlier because we know you two were close and we didn't want you to let it slip by accident, but we're throwing a surprise funeral for him and his family."
i could barely breathe. the news of your death hit me square in the heart, like a wrecking ball hitting an abandoned, rotted building.
i refused to believe it. if you were gone i wouldn't still be here, so i began searching the faces in the crowd for you. for answers; for anything.
i checked every single face floating around in your yard. every single one of them stared back at me with pity and curiosity, as if they'd never seen someone grieve before. everyone wore very old-fashioned black clothing, and not a single one of them was you.
it was only then that i noticed the girl.
she sat, perched atop your tree house, and flanked by two man-sized crows. she was blonde, with an athletic build. she had blue eyes and wore a simple outfit of a pink tshirt and jeans. she didn't have any shoes on. her expression was blank. i watched her for what felt like a very long time. she never moved. it seemed that she never even breathed, she was so still. she rarely blinked, but more so stared at the crowd and watched us all.
her eyes never once settled on me.
nobody else seemed to notice her. when i asked my father who she was, he said that she was an old friend of yours.
she frightened me and made me angry. i decided that i hated her.
i began to sob, wailing in a state of loss and grieving for not only you, but parts of me that had died as well.
and then you arrived.
your mother pulled the car into the driveway and parked. she seemed almost pleasantly surprised by the mass of people awaiting her in the yard. as the crowd moved in to pay their condolences, i saw you step out of the passenger side.
in your angry, silent way, you stood and waited. i've never been sure what it is you were waiting for, but you continued to wait nonetheless.
the girl's eyes focused on you. as if she were waiting as well.
i could hear all of the funeral guests talking to your mother, and it made me want to scream.
how is it that i can see you, but they can't? you're still alive! you're still here!
and nobody even noticed.
i screamed a scream that felt so large it swallowed me, and it became me.
and at the same time i never made a sound.
we were never heard, you and i. but then again, you never really tried to be.
the girl continued waiting in her silent, eerie way.
and the crowd moved on with the funeral proceedings.
all the pieces of what we had lay broken on the ground, the only flaw to be seen on that beautiful fall morning.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
i can only hope for new beginnings
i can't help but wish
to look at this
and reminisce
of a simpler day
a time cut short
where we could both pretend we were happy
and get lost in each other
and what is this anyway?
i know for sure that it isn't what it used to be
there never used to be a need for
careful deliberation
we never hurt each other
but it seems like that's all we ever do now
grasp at straws and hang on
for this
always for this.
to look at this
and reminisce
of a simpler day
a time cut short
where we could both pretend we were happy
and get lost in each other
and what is this anyway?
i know for sure that it isn't what it used to be
there never used to be a need for
careful deliberation
we never hurt each other
but it seems like that's all we ever do now
grasp at straws and hang on
for this
always for this.
Friday, September 10, 2010
anyone else would be sick of the shit
he is
blameless
he is
nameless
he is
everything i ever wished for
everything i ever wanted to be
everything i ever wanted to feel
drain me
blameless
he is
nameless
he is
everything i ever wished for
everything i ever wanted to be
everything i ever wanted to feel
drain me
Monday, August 23, 2010
not feeling particularly creative as of late, but hey what can you do?
and lying here
so close to you
just one bedroom
away from you
doesn't make matters
this love
any easier
when all i can do
is think of you
and ache
and bleed
and fuck
and fight
well, it's not really living, is it?
mere survival
is key
survival, can't hurt you
it's living, that kills me
so close to you
just one bedroom
away from you
doesn't make matters
this love
any easier
when all i can do
is think of you
and ache
and bleed
and fuck
and fight
well, it's not really living, is it?
mere survival
is key
survival, can't hurt you
it's living, that kills me
Friday, August 6, 2010
i hate when shit hits the fan. it makes a huge mess...
when you say
you're going to fix the dam
especially if it's as broken as it is
it's important that
you do what you say you will
before the dam breaks down
and we all drown
good god man,
are you trying to kill us all?
you're going to fix the dam
especially if it's as broken as it is
it's important that
you do what you say you will
before the dam breaks down
and we all drown
good god man,
are you trying to kill us all?
Thursday, July 29, 2010
i can't think of another clever title, so i'm taking suggestions.
i'm waiting for you
i'm waiting
for you
to...
explode
be angry
kick me out
i'm waiting for...
the reaction
that i need to make me stay
it depresses me that you can't deliver
i'm waiting
for you
to...
explode
be angry
kick me out
i'm waiting for...
the reaction
that i need to make me stay
it depresses me that you can't deliver
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
manchester orchestra writes songs for me, and i just gave birth to nine baby cows in my bathroom.
i wish
you didn't know all the things you do
i wish
you didn't know me so well
i wish
you didn't care so much
i wish
a lot of people didn't care so much
i wish
you weren't keeping an eye on me
i wish
i had my shit together
i wish
i had the balls
to do this
you didn't know all the things you do
i wish
you didn't know me so well
i wish
you didn't care so much
i wish
a lot of people didn't care so much
i wish
you weren't keeping an eye on me
i wish
i had my shit together
i wish
i had the balls
to do this
Monday, July 26, 2010
bullshit always tastes better when spread on disbelief.
your closeness
helped get rid of my
need for closeness
by creating hopelessness
my hopelessness
got rid of my
need for possessions
but i keep them around anyway
just like
i wish i could keep you around anyway
too bad you don't seem
to want to come around anymore
fuck.
helped get rid of my
need for closeness
by creating hopelessness
my hopelessness
got rid of my
need for possessions
but i keep them around anyway
just like
i wish i could keep you around anyway
too bad you don't seem
to want to come around anymore
fuck.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
remember when we were little and made pies out of oatmeal? yeah. that was fun.
your bullshit
made me dormant
for so long
now i'm finally awake
i can see
i can feel
i can live
write
dance
sing
fuck
it feels great
it makes me sad
that you'll never understand
you don't want to understand
then again
maybe i'm not so sad
maybe i just pity you
maybe i hate you
if i don't know
there's no way in hell that
you'll ever know
you don't give a shit
made me dormant
for so long
now i'm finally awake
i can see
i can feel
i can live
write
dance
sing
fuck
it feels great
it makes me sad
that you'll never understand
you don't want to understand
then again
maybe i'm not so sad
maybe i just pity you
maybe i hate you
if i don't know
there's no way in hell that
you'll ever know
you don't give a shit
Saturday, July 24, 2010
i really hope you die, so i have a reason to throw that party i've always wanted.
bastardbastardbastard
you've crossed this line
for the last time
you fucking son of a bitch
i've had it
go rot in hell
i'm done
with you
with it
with everything between us
you've taken advantage
ten too many times
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
you made me this way
you'll lose me this way too.
thanks for making it come to this
dad.
you've crossed this line
for the last time
you fucking son of a bitch
i've had it
go rot in hell
i'm done
with you
with it
with everything between us
you've taken advantage
ten too many times
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
you made me this way
you'll lose me this way too.
thanks for making it come to this
dad.
metaphors were never my forte, but i'm willing to try for you.
shattered glass
against the wall
leave the pieces
where they land
we can clean those up
once we've found time
to cleanse ourselves
purge our souls
of the wretches we've become
nothing sounds the same
when you're this far underwater
being whole means
fixing you first
as of late, i can't
grasp the concept
of your inner workings
wound like clockwork toys
we all must fall one day
some of us
will make progress
most of us
will hit a corner
get stuck
and die alone
i only hope
that i haven't been totally forgotten
against the wall
leave the pieces
where they land
we can clean those up
once we've found time
to cleanse ourselves
purge our souls
of the wretches we've become
nothing sounds the same
when you're this far underwater
being whole means
fixing you first
as of late, i can't
grasp the concept
of your inner workings
wound like clockwork toys
we all must fall one day
some of us
will make progress
most of us
will hit a corner
get stuck
and die alone
i only hope
that i haven't been totally forgotten
Friday, July 23, 2010
i wish i could say this was bullshit, but then i'd be lying.
can you not see
the pain and suffering?
the dead
blank
stare
that you've created?
i wish you could know
i wish i could let me
let you know
i wish...
i wish you'd come out with me
just one more time
come stay with me
one more time
let me try
one more time
let me show you
what i should've shown you that final day
when i felt wrong
because you felt wrong
and it all went wrong
i wish...
for direction,
an attempt at saving
what we both once felt
i wish...
there was something i could do
for you
above everything else
it's all for you
the pain and suffering?
the dead
blank
stare
that you've created?
i wish you could know
i wish i could let me
let you know
i wish...
i wish you'd come out with me
just one more time
come stay with me
one more time
let me try
one more time
let me show you
what i should've shown you that final day
when i felt wrong
because you felt wrong
and it all went wrong
i wish...
for direction,
an attempt at saving
what we both once felt
i wish...
there was something i could do
for you
above everything else
it's all for you
him
who the fuck does he think he is anyway?
controlling me
i'm not a puppet on a string
you fucking disgust me
you and your crises
it takes a village to raise a child
but if members of that village
do not partake
and it falls on one
that really isn't team work, now is it?
it takes a village to fuck one up too
especially if the members of that village
are all of you
go die in a hole
id handle things better
without your interruptions
controlling me
i'm not a puppet on a string
you fucking disgust me
you and your crises
it takes a village to raise a child
but if members of that village
do not partake
and it falls on one
that really isn't team work, now is it?
it takes a village to fuck one up too
especially if the members of that village
are all of you
go die in a hole
id handle things better
without your interruptions
if it was possible to know everything, would you even bother trying?
why are you doing this?
agony agony agony
please
stop
go
agony agony agony
please don't go
stay with me
agony agony agony
how could you do this to me?
how did we even get here?
when did things change?
when did you change?
agony agony agony
how can someone withstand this much-
ah...
i see.
agony agony agony
please
stop
go
agony agony agony
please don't go
stay with me
agony agony agony
how could you do this to me?
how did we even get here?
when did things change?
when did you change?
agony agony agony
how can someone withstand this much-
ah...
i see.
please.
why are my failures always her fault?
how could you possibly blame her?
she wasn't there.
she wasn't involved.
how could you possibly put this on her?
shes just an innocent
caught in my bad situations
let her be
let her dream
let her explore
and discover
and become what she needs to be
be what she needs you to be
not her keeper
not her cage
i am not her fault
this is all on you
how could you possibly blame her?
she wasn't there.
she wasn't involved.
how could you possibly put this on her?
shes just an innocent
caught in my bad situations
let her be
let her dream
let her explore
and discover
and become what she needs to be
be what she needs you to be
not her keeper
not her cage
i am not her fault
this is all on you
Thursday, July 22, 2010
fuck rhyming schemes. they can suck my dick.
for reasons
unbeknownst to me
you still act like you care
and for reasons
unbeknownst to you
i'm always right there
the problem is
between us both
we both get too confused
you don't assume enough
and i end up assuming too much...
unbeknownst to me
you still act like you care
and for reasons
unbeknownst to you
i'm always right there
the problem is
between us both
we both get too confused
you don't assume enough
and i end up assuming too much...
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
this isn't a fucking pep rally, ok? get over yourself.
i'm constantly finding myself
in situations
where you
don't seem to care
and i
in an attempt to cast off all suspicion
pretend that i'm ok
so let's call it even, ok?
you hurt me
i don't tell you
i think that's a fair deal
i can survive the pain and suffering
i always have
and i always will
just so long as
i blur the lines
between individuality
and sacrilege.
in situations
where you
don't seem to care
and i
in an attempt to cast off all suspicion
pretend that i'm ok
so let's call it even, ok?
you hurt me
i don't tell you
i think that's a fair deal
i can survive the pain and suffering
i always have
and i always will
just so long as
i blur the lines
between individuality
and sacrilege.
it's just a matter of time before i kick in your fucking skull
backed up against the wall
your hands are on my neck
I TOLD YOU TO BE QUIET
the smell of alcohol on your breath
makes me sick
but i dare not retch
no need to make you more angry
you let me go
pick her up
i scramble further up the stairs
you're screaming
she cries
you let it out
and let her go
scrambling up the stairs together
hidden in the safety of the play room
waiting out the storm
or at least
waiting until you passed out
and always always always
pretending like
it
never
ever
happened.
your hands are on my neck
I TOLD YOU TO BE QUIET
the smell of alcohol on your breath
makes me sick
but i dare not retch
no need to make you more angry
you let me go
pick her up
i scramble further up the stairs
you're screaming
she cries
you let it out
and let her go
scrambling up the stairs together
hidden in the safety of the play room
waiting out the storm
or at least
waiting until you passed out
and always always always
pretending like
it
never
ever
happened.
Monday, July 19, 2010
spinning in circles until you're so dizzy you want to puke
can anybody hear me?
these tiny pills aren't working
i'm looking for some reassurance
the press of a hand
skin
my tits to your bare chest
abandoned by those who love me most
or at least, they said they did
you never once said i was beautiful
i settled for amazing
even though you never proved it
can anybody help me?
i've been this way so long that
i'm not so sure it's possible.
can anybody love me?
likely not
and when you claim you do
i know you've already left
can anybody fuck me?
i know you did
the act was completed
you were completed
i was left in pieces
oh well, i guess that's just how it works
can anybody stay with me?
not that it'd mean anything
can anybody save me?
no. i'm already gone.
i'm sorry.
these tiny pills aren't working
i'm looking for some reassurance
the press of a hand
skin
my tits to your bare chest
abandoned by those who love me most
or at least, they said they did
you never once said i was beautiful
i settled for amazing
even though you never proved it
can anybody help me?
i've been this way so long that
i'm not so sure it's possible.
can anybody love me?
likely not
and when you claim you do
i know you've already left
can anybody fuck me?
i know you did
the act was completed
you were completed
i was left in pieces
oh well, i guess that's just how it works
can anybody stay with me?
not that it'd mean anything
can anybody save me?
no. i'm already gone.
i'm sorry.
why can't i just get my shit together?
simplicity
why can't we just be?
simply
together in
simplicity
put simply
you and me
together
i see
in the way you look at me
eternity
and the craving for
understading
acceptance
and simplicity
why can't we just be?
simply
together in
simplicity
put simply
you and me
together
i see
in the way you look at me
eternity
and the craving for
understading
acceptance
and simplicity
i thought i knew what i was doing, turns out i was wrong.
tearing me to pieces
i only wish you would
pull away my gruff
exterior
unveil my bruised
interior
appreciate the
splendour
now who feels
inferior?
obviously me
you've exposed my soft
interior
there's nothing special to me
there never was
i don't think there ever will be
at least,
that's what you told me.
i only wish you would
pull away my gruff
exterior
unveil my bruised
interior
appreciate the
splendour
now who feels
inferior?
obviously me
you've exposed my soft
interior
there's nothing special to me
there never was
i don't think there ever will be
at least,
that's what you told me.
Monday, July 12, 2010
untitled
strange
how,
when i'm happy
then suddenly down
the sky is happy
but,
rain suddenly pours down
it never fails to make me wonder
if the rain is just in my head?
and what if it is?
is there anyone to prove it?
screaming out for somebody
anybody
make me a guarantee
throw away your 90 day warranty
forever, stay with me
somebody?
anybody?
screaming out for
salvation
understanding
an end to the ceaseless rain.
how,
when i'm happy
then suddenly down
the sky is happy
but,
rain suddenly pours down
it never fails to make me wonder
if the rain is just in my head?
and what if it is?
is there anyone to prove it?
screaming out for somebody
anybody
make me a guarantee
throw away your 90 day warranty
forever, stay with me
somebody?
anybody?
screaming out for
salvation
understanding
an end to the ceaseless rain.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
untitled
i had this dream last night
i was princess leia
and i was in jabba the hut's house dealie
and he had captured han solo and chewbacca
so.
i told him i'd suck his cock if he'd let us go.
turns out jabba the hut doesn't have a cock.
but we fell in love anyway...
but on one of his million billion trips to the bathroom, someone spoke to him
and informed him that solo and the wookiee had been sent to another planet
well,
hell hath no fury like a woman scorned
and despite the fact that i love him
i left jabba the hut
it was one of the hardest things i'd have to do in my dream.
i searched the galaxy
and it turns out that han solo and chewbacca had been taken BACK to jabba the hut
so i went back
while i was gone his house dealie and become a castle dealie
so i kung fu-ed my way into one of their cannon tower thingies
and started shooting at them
but then i ran out of ammo
then hiccup and toothless from how to train your dragon flew up
and i noticed that jabba's (he and i are on a first name basis) men were shooting at us with dragon fire
ergo there must've been dragons in the castle.
so i asked hiccup if he could get us a dragon to fight back with
and he was all like OF COURSE
so he did
and we took out most of their guns
but then my dragon ran out of fire
and we had to feed it blood from toothless so it could survive
but it was still weak
so we tried to go hide in my ex-step mom's house
and i told the people i was with that the back door would be locked
and to watch out for dog poo
but they didn't listen
and they had shitty shoes and no way to get in
so we broke into jabba's castle
and i went to try and reunite myself with jabba,
but when he found out i was there, he was ashamed of himself
and afraid of facing me
so he hid in a dungeon where they keep their dragons
it was lined with skeletons
and i don't think i ever wound up finding anyone i was looking for
but man, what a FUCKED UP DREAM.
:D
i was princess leia
and i was in jabba the hut's house dealie
and he had captured han solo and chewbacca
so.
i told him i'd suck his cock if he'd let us go.
turns out jabba the hut doesn't have a cock.
but we fell in love anyway...
but on one of his million billion trips to the bathroom, someone spoke to him
and informed him that solo and the wookiee had been sent to another planet
well,
hell hath no fury like a woman scorned
and despite the fact that i love him
i left jabba the hut
it was one of the hardest things i'd have to do in my dream.
i searched the galaxy
and it turns out that han solo and chewbacca had been taken BACK to jabba the hut
so i went back
while i was gone his house dealie and become a castle dealie
so i kung fu-ed my way into one of their cannon tower thingies
and started shooting at them
but then i ran out of ammo
then hiccup and toothless from how to train your dragon flew up
and i noticed that jabba's (he and i are on a first name basis) men were shooting at us with dragon fire
ergo there must've been dragons in the castle.
so i asked hiccup if he could get us a dragon to fight back with
and he was all like OF COURSE
so he did
and we took out most of their guns
but then my dragon ran out of fire
and we had to feed it blood from toothless so it could survive
but it was still weak
so we tried to go hide in my ex-step mom's house
and i told the people i was with that the back door would be locked
and to watch out for dog poo
but they didn't listen
and they had shitty shoes and no way to get in
so we broke into jabba's castle
and i went to try and reunite myself with jabba,
but when he found out i was there, he was ashamed of himself
and afraid of facing me
so he hid in a dungeon where they keep their dragons
it was lined with skeletons
and i don't think i ever wound up finding anyone i was looking for
but man, what a FUCKED UP DREAM.
:D
Sunday, July 4, 2010
untitled
Why do you miss him?
Because he's really nice
And we have good conversations
And I feel like myself around him
And he plays guitar and piano and he sings
And his voice is verbal jizz
And he thinks I make good coffee
<3
Because he's really nice
And we have good conversations
And I feel like myself around him
And he plays guitar and piano and he sings
And his voice is verbal jizz
And he thinks I make good coffee
<3
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
untitled
he's rolie polie olie
he's something something round
and in this land of curves and curls
he's the swellest kid around
he's rolie polie olie
he stands and then falls down
and rolls away
something...gay
WEANH!!!
he's something something round
and in this land of curves and curls
he's the swellest kid around
he's rolie polie olie
he stands and then falls down
and rolls away
something...gay
WEANH!!!
untitled
writing songs
try to make contact
with another life form
a life force
but those phones
made of cans and string
just won't do the trick
and there's nothing more advanced
that i can create on my own
looks like
i'll never find a way out
trapped here forever
and i swear
only he can make webcam photos beautiful
thrashing around
he's into me
but the sound of his voice
leaves me speechless
maybe he's my contact?
the way i see it
is he's too perfect for this world
cans and string
sickening
writing songs
EPIC FAIL
WOOP WOOP
just try telling me
i'm wrong.
try to make contact
with another life form
a life force
but those phones
made of cans and string
just won't do the trick
and there's nothing more advanced
that i can create on my own
looks like
i'll never find a way out
trapped here forever
and i swear
only he can make webcam photos beautiful
thrashing around
he's into me
but the sound of his voice
leaves me speechless
maybe he's my contact?
the way i see it
is he's too perfect for this world
cans and string
sickening
writing songs
EPIC FAIL
WOOP WOOP
just try telling me
i'm wrong.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
untitled
i'm digging
this sense of hope
that you've put in the air
and as of late
i'm ok
<3
this is just
another weak as shit
excuse for poetry...
this sense of hope
that you've put in the air
and as of late
i'm ok
<3
this is just
another weak as shit
excuse for poetry...
Thursday, June 3, 2010
untitled
the time of shame
is in this era
in times of pain
of merciless bloodthirst
from which
there is no
ESCAPE
the time of shame
is here
in this world
in this society
in this mind
times of pain
times of shame
let bloodthirst reign
embrace the darkness
for nothing
can save you now
our best option
is to just...
give in
just...
GIVE UP.
is in this era
in times of pain
of merciless bloodthirst
from which
there is no
ESCAPE
the time of shame
is here
in this world
in this society
in this mind
times of pain
times of shame
let bloodthirst reign
embrace the darkness
for nothing
can save you now
our best option
is to just...
give in
just...
GIVE UP.
Friday, May 28, 2010
untitled
everyday with you
was like christmas
but i guess
christmas just
doesn't work out for me
[<3 dewey]
was like christmas
but i guess
christmas just
doesn't work out for me
[<3 dewey]
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
untitled
i hate this part
where
i try to do something
that makes me happy
when i know
nothing will
i try to make plans
nothing works
thinking of the future
my future
makes me think of you
then i want to tell you
i love you
need you
want you back
strange though,
when i'm asked
"if there was one thing in this world that could make you happy, what would it be?"
my first thought is "you"
my actual response,
"i don't know"
i'm not ashamed
never ashamed
just tired
of being shot down
by everyone but you
where
i try to do something
that makes me happy
when i know
nothing will
i try to make plans
nothing works
thinking of the future
my future
makes me think of you
then i want to tell you
i love you
need you
want you back
strange though,
when i'm asked
"if there was one thing in this world that could make you happy, what would it be?"
my first thought is "you"
my actual response,
"i don't know"
i'm not ashamed
never ashamed
just tired
of being shot down
by everyone but you
untitled
can't stop
must stop
won't stop
dreaming
you and i
forever
together
i'm sane
you're safe
we're happy
i wish i knew
exactly what we both wanted
must stop
won't stop
dreaming
you and i
forever
together
i'm sane
you're safe
we're happy
i wish i knew
exactly what we both wanted
untitled
home is a disease on my skin
a self-plague
one which i am incapable of handling
memories flooding
creating an onslaught of wounds and open sores
from which only loss can bleed
no matter how hard i try
the memories keep flooding
loss continues pouring
and the decision is never finalized
"i welcome this pain, beating down on me"
the only thing keeping me balanced between breathing
and the final pull of the trigger;
YOU
a self-plague
one which i am incapable of handling
memories flooding
creating an onslaught of wounds and open sores
from which only loss can bleed
no matter how hard i try
the memories keep flooding
loss continues pouring
and the decision is never finalized
"i welcome this pain, beating down on me"
the only thing keeping me balanced between breathing
and the final pull of the trigger;
YOU
untitled
shut up
shut up
shut up
shut up
i'm sorry
sorrysorrysorry
so so so
fucking
sorry
...
still sorry
always sorry
is forgiveness
in your vocabulary?
shut up
shut up
shut up
i'm sorry
sorrysorrysorry
so so so
fucking
sorry
...
still sorry
always sorry
is forgiveness
in your vocabulary?
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
untitled
wish there
was something
i could do
for you
this is
a weak
as shit
excuse for
poetry
i'm sorry
forgive me
was something
i could do
for you
this is
a weak
as shit
excuse for
poetry
i'm sorry
forgive me
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
untitled
every slice of my skin
every drop of blood
is redemption
and blissful ignorance
i can never breathe when i remember you
and even from day one
you had me by the heart
the hand
always by my side
you promised me forever
you lied
every drop of blood
is redemption
and blissful ignorance
i can never breathe when i remember you
and even from day one
you had me by the heart
the hand
always by my side
you promised me forever
you lied
untitled
trying to think
of all the things
i would sacrifice
for a deep cut
the only thing i'm sure about
is i'll never give you up
and i'll never give up on you
of all the things
i would sacrifice
for a deep cut
the only thing i'm sure about
is i'll never give you up
and i'll never give up on you
untitled
every mark in my skin
is a memory of you
the blood
payment for remembering it
and you
for being the one
who pushed you away
my payment
will never be complete
the memories of you
will never cease to haunt me
is a memory of you
the blood
payment for remembering it
and you
for being the one
who pushed you away
my payment
will never be complete
the memories of you
will never cease to haunt me
Friday, April 23, 2010
untitled
maaaan
the other day
you said
you were gonna come over
once you had the chance
today
you say
you MIGHT come
because you're busy all day
and you won't be home
until later
i don't care what you're doing
that keeps you so busy
it's your life
but please
just keep your promises
the other day
you said
you were gonna come over
once you had the chance
today
you say
you MIGHT come
because you're busy all day
and you won't be home
until later
i don't care what you're doing
that keeps you so busy
it's your life
but please
just keep your promises
untitled
imagine this
onions
make us cry
what if
they make us cry
because as we cut them open
with their last dying words
they are sharing their life stories with us
and their lives
are so immersed in tragedy
that we cry for them
they speak to us
subliminally
so we never completely register
that we are being spoken to
we just cry
and the people who don't cry
are the truly heartless ones
that will not be affected
by the sad tales of others
if it stands
in the way
of getting a job done
onions
make us cry
what if
they make us cry
because as we cut them open
with their last dying words
they are sharing their life stories with us
and their lives
are so immersed in tragedy
that we cry for them
they speak to us
subliminally
so we never completely register
that we are being spoken to
we just cry
and the people who don't cry
are the truly heartless ones
that will not be affected
by the sad tales of others
if it stands
in the way
of getting a job done
untitled
the final
breath
the final
memory in death
the final
flares
of fury
and passion
before all
becomes
silent
breath
the final
memory in death
the final
flares
of fury
and passion
before all
becomes
silent
Thursday, April 22, 2010
untitled
i think that
while you search for something
to believe in
sometimes
you stumble across
a miracle
bigger
and more important to you
than the sun
the light
he is the star
that supernovas
right next to you
only problem is
once the supernova is over
all you have left
are the charred remains of
what you used to be
and a black hole
where he used to fit
while you search for something
to believe in
sometimes
you stumble across
a miracle
bigger
and more important to you
than the sun
the light
he is the star
that supernovas
right next to you
only problem is
once the supernova is over
all you have left
are the charred remains of
what you used to be
and a black hole
where he used to fit
bitch is gonna kill me
seriously
i know i've said
we can talk about this
but FUCK
i don't need updates on everything
he does
he is god
god is gone
there's nothing i can do
but bide my time
and get well
YOU are not helping
back off
please
just back down
your opinion
is not the be all
or end all
of this situation
leave me the fuck alone
just this once
i know i've said
we can talk about this
but FUCK
i don't need updates on everything
he does
he is god
god is gone
there's nothing i can do
but bide my time
and get well
YOU are not helping
back off
please
just back down
your opinion
is not the be all
or end all
of this situation
leave me the fuck alone
just this once
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
untitled
my favourite thing
is the painful sting
i get
when i think
of you
and every time
i draw a line
i do it
just
for you
destroy myself
hurt no one else
i learned
this all
for you
is the painful sting
i get
when i think
of you
and every time
i draw a line
i do it
just
for you
destroy myself
hurt no one else
i learned
this all
for you
untitled
progress
as we learned in english class
is important
the world cannot function
without progress
how the fuck am i still here?
my world has no progress
just a progressive circle
which isn't progress
i end up back at square one
i need
to get somewhere
accomplish something
do something right
for a change
before i die
if i break the circle
eternally
is that my final progression?
i finally break out
and die.
so zoned out
what the fuck is going on?
who the fuck gives a shit?
as we learned in english class
is important
the world cannot function
without progress
how the fuck am i still here?
my world has no progress
just a progressive circle
which isn't progress
i end up back at square one
i need
to get somewhere
accomplish something
do something right
for a change
before i die
if i break the circle
eternally
is that my final progression?
i finally break out
and die.
so zoned out
what the fuck is going on?
who the fuck gives a shit?
untitled
it's starting to seem
like the days i see you
are the same days
that i cut
i'm not sure why
sometimes it happens
before i even see you
almost all times
it's before i see you
it's like a kick in the chest
when you're around
but i still want you around
what the fuck is my problem?
like the days i see you
are the same days
that i cut
i'm not sure why
sometimes it happens
before i even see you
almost all times
it's before i see you
it's like a kick in the chest
when you're around
but i still want you around
what the fuck is my problem?
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
untitled
goddamn it all
the one thing i do
that i know you won't like me for
you never see happening
you're always pissed off
about the things i do to make you happy
i rarely ask for anything
and when i want to do what i want
you step in
i can only do what you want?
and i don't want to
so it's no fun for either of us
now is it?
fuck you
the one thing i do
that i know you won't like me for
you never see happening
you're always pissed off
about the things i do to make you happy
i rarely ask for anything
and when i want to do what i want
you step in
i can only do what you want?
and i don't want to
so it's no fun for either of us
now is it?
fuck you
Monday, April 19, 2010
untitled
i still remember
our last kiss
the desperation i felt
from you
the goodbye
i felt it
i felt you
searching for reasons
to stay
and i let you down
i'm sorry i did
i apologized that day
i wasn't myself
and you needed a reason
to stay
maybe you thought
i wanted you gone
because i didn't return
our last kiss
with the same passion
i tried to
but as per usual
you pulled away too fast
you always do
and i never got
the oppourtunity
to show you
how much i care
how much i want you
miss you when you're gone
if i'd known
every fibre of my existence
would have gone into that kiss
if only i'd known
if only i'd known...
our last kiss
the desperation i felt
from you
the goodbye
i felt it
i felt you
searching for reasons
to stay
and i let you down
i'm sorry i did
i apologized that day
i wasn't myself
and you needed a reason
to stay
maybe you thought
i wanted you gone
because i didn't return
our last kiss
with the same passion
i tried to
but as per usual
you pulled away too fast
you always do
and i never got
the oppourtunity
to show you
how much i care
how much i want you
miss you when you're gone
if i'd known
every fibre of my existence
would have gone into that kiss
if only i'd known
if only i'd known...
untitled
i love that feeling
where you're dizzy
you're spinning
around and around and around
and you can't stop
even if you wanted to
but you don't
you never want the dizziness
to end
the dizziness
blurs the bad things
the good things
and makes them one
great
big
blob
it's genderless
it's painless
and it can't hurt you
only problem with it is
you eventually fall down
and when you're at your most vulnerable
the bad inevitably finds you
every
goddamn
time
where you're dizzy
you're spinning
around and around and around
and you can't stop
even if you wanted to
but you don't
you never want the dizziness
to end
the dizziness
blurs the bad things
the good things
and makes them one
great
big
blob
it's genderless
it's painless
and it can't hurt you
only problem with it is
you eventually fall down
and when you're at your most vulnerable
the bad inevitably finds you
every
goddamn
time
Sunday, April 18, 2010
untitled
i got drunk
first time in my life
and i just wound up crying
it was so worth it though
the only difference
is when i'm drunk
the things i do
make more sense
or
at least
i can justify them better
first time in my life
and i just wound up crying
it was so worth it though
the only difference
is when i'm drunk
the things i do
make more sense
or
at least
i can justify them better
Friday, April 16, 2010
untitled
i hate this
this...
waiting
and the impatience
i feel with it
i'm waiting
for...
someone to tell me
i'm doing the right thing
what is the right thing?
i'm waiting
for...
...
...
...
...
what the fuck am i waiting for?
you?
maybe.
i'm starting to forget my reasons why.
and i'm not sure how i feel about that
not just yet
i can't forget you
can't get you out of my head
but i forget why i remember you
it makes no sense
but have i ever really made sense?
this...
waiting
and the impatience
i feel with it
i'm waiting
for...
someone to tell me
i'm doing the right thing
what is the right thing?
i'm waiting
for...
...
...
...
...
what the fuck am i waiting for?
you?
maybe.
i'm starting to forget my reasons why.
and i'm not sure how i feel about that
not just yet
i can't forget you
can't get you out of my head
but i forget why i remember you
it makes no sense
but have i ever really made sense?
untitled
reading back
through all the poems
i've written about you
i've discovered that...
reading them
is tearing open old wounds
pouring salt
into the already
raw
bleeding
sores
and i'll keep doing it
it reminds me
why i'm still here
it reminds me
of you
trent reznor had it right
he had it right
the whole fucking time
through all the poems
i've written about you
i've discovered that...
reading them
is tearing open old wounds
pouring salt
into the already
raw
bleeding
sores
and i'll keep doing it
it reminds me
why i'm still here
it reminds me
of you
trent reznor had it right
he had it right
the whole fucking time
untitled
the only god
i ever believed in
was the god
of drugs
of sex
of music
of you
the only god
i believe in now
is the typo of my speech
the thorn in my side
fuck it all
god is gone
hope is gone
we are gone
at least
i wish we could be
i ever believed in
was the god
of drugs
of sex
of music
of you
the only god
i believe in now
is the typo of my speech
the thorn in my side
fuck it all
god is gone
hope is gone
we are gone
at least
i wish we could be
untitled
i realized this morning
that you were the first person who loved me
for me
you were
the only shred of light
of hope
i ever found in humanity
then you left
i can't do anything right
as per usual
i can't love you right
i can't make you stay
i can't make you leave
i can't make you do anything
and worst of all
i can't make me stop trying
goddamn it all
UPDATE
everytime i say it's the end
i'm not even close
i can't stand to be around you
i can't stand to leave you
this is definitely
one of the shittiest situations ever
all i do is
starve me
deprive me
miss me
worst of all
is missing you
why can't we both
just get the fuck out of my head?
that you were the first person who loved me
for me
you were
the only shred of light
of hope
i ever found in humanity
then you left
i can't do anything right
as per usual
i can't love you right
i can't make you stay
i can't make you leave
i can't make you do anything
and worst of all
i can't make me stop trying
goddamn it all
UPDATE
everytime i say it's the end
i'm not even close
i can't stand to be around you
i can't stand to leave you
this is definitely
one of the shittiest situations ever
all i do is
starve me
deprive me
miss me
worst of all
is missing you
why can't we both
just get the fuck out of my head?
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
untitled
fuck fuck FUCK
this is never going to end, is it?
if i start moving on
*incoming intense guilty feelings*
if i stay hooked on you
intense depression waltzes in
chest puffed out
dominating everything it sees
the guilt leads to depression
depression leads to suicide
depression leads to suicide
depression leads to the end
i wish someone could tell me
what i want to hear
is that the answer?
if i leave
there's no hope
hope is gone for me
if i let hope in
i get disappointed
and i fall
maybe just...
plow my way through everything
hand in hand
with sadness?
or do i just give up?
gone gone gone
gone forever.
this is never going to end, is it?
if i start moving on
*incoming intense guilty feelings*
if i stay hooked on you
intense depression waltzes in
chest puffed out
dominating everything it sees
the guilt leads to depression
depression leads to suicide
depression leads to suicide
depression leads to the end
i wish someone could tell me
what i want to hear
is that the answer?
if i leave
there's no hope
hope is gone for me
if i let hope in
i get disappointed
and i fall
maybe just...
plow my way through everything
hand in hand
with sadness?
or do i just give up?
gone gone gone
gone forever.
Monday, April 12, 2010
untitled
i'm really not sure what's going on with me
i didn't miss you
while i was with someone else
well, i did.
a little bit at least.
but i'm not used to
not missing you
or not feeling an intense longing for you
i still love you
i still want you back
but i'm regaining hope
does that make me a bad person?
i didn't miss you
while i was with someone else
well, i did.
a little bit at least.
but i'm not used to
not missing you
or not feeling an intense longing for you
i still love you
i still want you back
but i'm regaining hope
does that make me a bad person?
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
untitled
i trust you
this isn't
to let you know
this is
to reassure me
i know that
if you don't want to talk to me
you'll just tell me that
at least, that's what i think you'd do
guess what?
so far i'm right.
this isn't
to let you know
this is
to reassure me
i know that
if you don't want to talk to me
you'll just tell me that
at least, that's what i think you'd do
guess what?
so far i'm right.
untitled
k so biggest breakdown to date
last night
a third party got involved
and you got upset
told me
you didn't want to be with me
ever again
we'll never be together again
this plus that
equals
meltdown
crying, screaming
wailing
throwing up
then calmness
consider...
going home
downing pills
whatever i can get my hands on
no. check myself into a hospital
so that nothing happens.
no.
talk to someone who knows you
who can help me understand.
now i understand.
i see you. your issues.
and i completely understand.
i'm here for you.
i love you
forever and always.
then today, apologies.
for you being upset.
and misunderstandings
i completely apologize
for misunderstanding you
and for upsetting you
and i apologize
for being me
for still thinking i've done something wrong
for wanting you
for wanting to be there for you
and
as sorry as i am
i'm going to keep doing it all
i'm going to be
the best fucking friend
you've ever had
last night
a third party got involved
and you got upset
told me
you didn't want to be with me
ever again
we'll never be together again
this plus that
equals
meltdown
crying, screaming
wailing
throwing up
then calmness
consider...
going home
downing pills
whatever i can get my hands on
no. check myself into a hospital
so that nothing happens.
no.
talk to someone who knows you
who can help me understand.
now i understand.
i see you. your issues.
and i completely understand.
i'm here for you.
i love you
forever and always.
then today, apologies.
for you being upset.
and misunderstandings
i completely apologize
for misunderstanding you
and for upsetting you
and i apologize
for being me
for still thinking i've done something wrong
for wanting you
for wanting to be there for you
and
as sorry as i am
i'm going to keep doing it all
i'm going to be
the best fucking friend
you've ever had
Sunday, April 4, 2010
untitled
yesterday was a good day
im getting better
i spend a whole day thinking of you
and no problems
whatsoever
last night, however
was not so good
well
more like this morning
i sat outside
smoking
drinking
thinking
all with no pants on
i forgot pants
how the fuck do you forget pants?
i sat out there thinking
is it really possible to hate yourself this much?
or is it just me.
i'm a mutant or something...
who knows?
not me.
im getting better
i spend a whole day thinking of you
and no problems
whatsoever
last night, however
was not so good
well
more like this morning
i sat outside
smoking
drinking
thinking
all with no pants on
i forgot pants
how the fuck do you forget pants?
i sat out there thinking
is it really possible to hate yourself this much?
or is it just me.
i'm a mutant or something...
who knows?
not me.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
untitled
trust
is a funny thing
you and i worked on trust
if you fall, i'll catch you
do you trust me to catch you?
you were the first person
i ever ever trusted
to actually catch me
and you did
i never expected
that you would also be the one
that would knock me down
try catching me this time
be my superman
no one else can
is a funny thing
you and i worked on trust
if you fall, i'll catch you
do you trust me to catch you?
you were the first person
i ever ever trusted
to actually catch me
and you did
i never expected
that you would also be the one
that would knock me down
try catching me this time
be my superman
no one else can
Thursday, April 1, 2010
untitled
i found someone else
not a replacement
no, no, no
i could never replace you
but someone who can fill that hole
in my chest
not by loving me
not by doing
anything you could have ever done for me
but by listening
not that you never listened
i just didn't talk to you
which i guess was a bad idea
but i didn't
because
i didn't want you to worry
ever
you have bigger things to worry about
than me
obviously
not a replacement
no, no, no
i could never replace you
but someone who can fill that hole
in my chest
not by loving me
not by doing
anything you could have ever done for me
but by listening
not that you never listened
i just didn't talk to you
which i guess was a bad idea
but i didn't
because
i didn't want you to worry
ever
you have bigger things to worry about
than me
obviously
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
untitled
i saw you
spent time with you
fuck, that was hard
it takes me back to being a kid.
LOOK WITH YOUR EYES, NOT YOUR HANDS
i can't touch you
can't reach out to you
i can't even tell you what i've been up to
(if you ask)
because you know what i've been up to?
hating everything
wanting to die
thinking of ways
to rid the world
of me
and i can't even tell you any of this
because i won't let myself
and the last thing i could stand
is living with myself
if you thought i was weak
or i upset you in any way
spent time with you
fuck, that was hard
it takes me back to being a kid.
LOOK WITH YOUR EYES, NOT YOUR HANDS
i can't touch you
can't reach out to you
i can't even tell you what i've been up to
(if you ask)
because you know what i've been up to?
hating everything
wanting to die
thinking of ways
to rid the world
of me
and i can't even tell you any of this
because i won't let myself
and the last thing i could stand
is living with myself
if you thought i was weak
or i upset you in any way
Saturday, March 27, 2010
untitled
so i'm home
it's not as bad as i thought it'd be
as long as i take
certain...
precautionary measures
i guess that's what you could call them
good thing too
because you showed up today
unexpectedly
good thing i was prepped for that
bleeding myself out
all the anger and sadness
not gone
but numbed
just long enough for you to be here
it's not as bad as i thought it'd be
as long as i take
certain...
precautionary measures
i guess that's what you could call them
good thing too
because you showed up today
unexpectedly
good thing i was prepped for that
bleeding myself out
all the anger and sadness
not gone
but numbed
just long enough for you to be here
Friday, March 26, 2010
untitled
i'm going home today
ohmigawhd
i've felt sick all day
and anxious
can i do this?
am i strong enough?
back to
not eating
not sleeping
wanting to be sick
all day
shitshitshit
i will do this
it's just a matter of whether i can or not
i'm getting better at surviving without you
it's the living part that's not so easy
ohmigawhd
i've felt sick all day
and anxious
can i do this?
am i strong enough?
back to
not eating
not sleeping
wanting to be sick
all day
shitshitshit
i will do this
it's just a matter of whether i can or not
i'm getting better at surviving without you
it's the living part that's not so easy
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
untitled
aaah
what the fuck do i do
if i give you space
you might think i'm not interested
if i get involved
you might think i'm pressuring you
is there some way i can win?
i feel like i never can
and i never do
what the fuck do i do
if i give you space
you might think i'm not interested
if i get involved
you might think i'm pressuring you
is there some way i can win?
i feel like i never can
and i never do
untitled
what a day
what the fuck
wake up
panic attack
coffee
dry toast
which i forgot to leave dry
and buttered
fuck me
researching and math
for two hours or more
reading
internet
msn
infuriating email
furious response
satisfaction
lunch
shower
went for a walk
came back
calm
then
furious
sick to my stomach
because of it
this is the most mundane poem
i've written so far
FUCK ME
what the fuck
wake up
panic attack
coffee
dry toast
which i forgot to leave dry
and buttered
fuck me
researching and math
for two hours or more
reading
internet
msn
infuriating email
furious response
satisfaction
lunch
shower
went for a walk
came back
calm
then
furious
sick to my stomach
because of it
this is the most mundane poem
i've written so far
FUCK ME
Sunday, March 21, 2010
untitled
i really have nothing to say
i don't know why i'm writing
but somehow its making me calm
calm enough
to not contact you
you'd better be fucking thankful
i don't know why i'm writing
but somehow its making me calm
calm enough
to not contact you
you'd better be fucking thankful
you fucking prick
just as i was on the brink
that final edge
YOU COME IN
did you say some kind words?
no.
did you tell me something to make me feel better?
no.
you fucking PISSED ME OFF
now part of me hopes
you get hit by a bus.
this had all better be a misunderstanding.
i've got better things
i could be doing right now
like not living
breathing
sleeping
anything like that
i could be fucking DEAD
and none of this would be happening
but NOOOOOOO
you just needed to piss me off.
congrats.
you finally get to see me furious.
that final edge
YOU COME IN
did you say some kind words?
no.
did you tell me something to make me feel better?
no.
you fucking PISSED ME OFF
now part of me hopes
you get hit by a bus.
this had all better be a misunderstanding.
i've got better things
i could be doing right now
like not living
breathing
sleeping
anything like that
i could be fucking DEAD
and none of this would be happening
but NOOOOOOO
you just needed to piss me off.
congrats.
you finally get to see me furious.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
this is it. well, almost
i'm almost there
you know what i mean
that point where
you go from just saying
I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE
to actually not being able to anymore
i can't live anymore
i can't breathe
or sleep
or eat
or do anything right
and i just can't handle it
i don't want to handle it
if i'm not handling it with you
so like i said.
i'm almost there
this is almost it.
the straw that breaks the camel's back
will soon be laid to rest.
you know what i mean
that point where
you go from just saying
I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE
to actually not being able to anymore
i can't live anymore
i can't breathe
or sleep
or eat
or do anything right
and i just can't handle it
i don't want to handle it
if i'm not handling it with you
so like i said.
i'm almost there
this is almost it.
the straw that breaks the camel's back
will soon be laid to rest.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
untitled
it almost makes me cry.
every time i see you
a photo of you
a memory of you
a flashback of you
a dream of you
that's all it takes
and i get butterflies
and i feel sick because of it
and every time i talk to you there's
this sense of hopelessness
you seem so comfortable with
just being friends
i'm worried
that you'll never want to be anything more
ever again
every time i see you
a photo of you
a memory of you
a flashback of you
a dream of you
that's all it takes
and i get butterflies
and i feel sick because of it
and every time i talk to you there's
this sense of hopelessness
you seem so comfortable with
just being friends
i'm worried
that you'll never want to be anything more
ever again
untitled
i wrote you a letter last night
and whether you ever see it or not
i can breathe now
i can eat
i did sleep
i still feel upset
sick to my stomach
and worried
oh my god, am i ever worried
but i can breathe
which is nice
i have come to terms
with whatever may or may not happen
and whether you ever see it or not
i can breathe now
i can eat
i did sleep
i still feel upset
sick to my stomach
and worried
oh my god, am i ever worried
but i can breathe
which is nice
i have come to terms
with whatever may or may not happen
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
untitled
worry-come-true
you left
FUCK
you left
you're gone
gone gone gone gone gone
wish you weren't
wish i was dead
wish i could sleep
eat
live
without you
it doesn't look like you're coming back
you left
FUCK
you left
you're gone
gone gone gone gone gone
wish you weren't
wish i was dead
wish i could sleep
eat
live
without you
it doesn't look like you're coming back
untitled
wtf
you're gone
i'm lost
confused
upset
what do i do?
can't sleep
can't eat
can't function
all i can do
is hope you get better
and come back
please, god
i hope you come back
your voice, well
it's the most painful sedative i've ever had
just...
please.
don't leave me.
please.
just come back.
i'll always be waiting
and i'm always here for you
you're gone
i'm lost
confused
upset
what do i do?
can't sleep
can't eat
can't function
all i can do
is hope you get better
and come back
please, god
i hope you come back
your voice, well
it's the most painful sedative i've ever had
just...
please.
don't leave me.
please.
just come back.
i'll always be waiting
and i'm always here for you
Monday, March 15, 2010
untitled
with our anchor
of inflatable lead
we sail
to the ends of nowhere
hand in hand
we begin our quest
to debt
to loss
to life
and death
of inflatable lead
we sail
to the ends of nowhere
hand in hand
we begin our quest
to debt
to loss
to life
and death
Saturday, March 13, 2010
untitled
looking back on apologies
i wish
my voice were a little clearer
a little stronger
and that my intentions
were a little more honest
maybe even heart-felt
i'm sorry
for all my i'm-sorries
especially the ones
that weren't delivered the right way
i'm sorry i hurt you
i'm sorry i'm still here
and i'm most sorry
for forcing you to be with me
i wish
my voice were a little clearer
a little stronger
and that my intentions
were a little more honest
maybe even heart-felt
i'm sorry
for all my i'm-sorries
especially the ones
that weren't delivered the right way
i'm sorry i hurt you
i'm sorry i'm still here
and i'm most sorry
for forcing you to be with me
Friday, March 12, 2010
i'm sorry
i am so sorry
that you had to see me like that
that i treated you like that
i promised i never would
i would never get angry with you
which entails never treating you like crap
and i did it anyway
you have every right to leave
to say FUCK YOU
and leave
my biggest worry is that you will
despite that fact
that i treated you like crap
i really hope you stay
you're my novocaine
allowing me to roll down the rocky cliffs of life
unharmed
if you ever see this
i hope you get my robot chicken reference
that you had to see me like that
that i treated you like that
i promised i never would
i would never get angry with you
which entails never treating you like crap
and i did it anyway
you have every right to leave
to say FUCK YOU
and leave
my biggest worry is that you will
despite that fact
that i treated you like crap
i really hope you stay
you're my novocaine
allowing me to roll down the rocky cliffs of life
unharmed
if you ever see this
i hope you get my robot chicken reference
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
untitled
what is it
about the intimacy
of trading spit?
i don't understand
why it means something
yet i still feel it
growing in intensity
every time you touch me
until that moment
when you finally give me
what i want
what i yearn for
pressing me closer
draw in a breath
then catch on fire
blazing our way
to dissatisfaction
you pull away
you always pull away too soon
about the intimacy
of trading spit?
i don't understand
why it means something
yet i still feel it
growing in intensity
every time you touch me
until that moment
when you finally give me
what i want
what i yearn for
pressing me closer
draw in a breath
then catch on fire
blazing our way
to dissatisfaction
you pull away
you always pull away too soon
untitled
a lot of my poems
are about hate
and they often include the phrase
"i hate (insert noun here)"
but i mean it
i really hate
this distance
where you're gone all the time
and all i do is think about you
all day
never sure if it's making things better or worse
easier or harder
the discomfort
of knowing i won't see you again today
is almost unbearable
the aimless wandering
the hope that you'll show up
the disappointment when you never do
if this weren't you we're talking about
i don't think i could take it
are about hate
and they often include the phrase
"i hate (insert noun here)"
but i mean it
i really hate
this distance
where you're gone all the time
and all i do is think about you
all day
never sure if it's making things better or worse
easier or harder
the discomfort
of knowing i won't see you again today
is almost unbearable
the aimless wandering
the hope that you'll show up
the disappointment when you never do
if this weren't you we're talking about
i don't think i could take it
Sunday, March 7, 2010
untitled
i wish i was so numb
i couldn't feel you
so you can't hurt me
god knows you don't mean it
but it happens anyway
i can barely take it
this pain
this discomfort
this desperation
numbness
although a sad state of being
is ok.
no pain
i can handle the lack of happiness
it's not like i feel it often anyway
i couldn't feel you
so you can't hurt me
god knows you don't mean it
but it happens anyway
i can barely take it
this pain
this discomfort
this desperation
numbness
although a sad state of being
is ok.
no pain
i can handle the lack of happiness
it's not like i feel it often anyway
Friday, March 5, 2010
untitled
you weren't so sure
that i cared for you
as much as you cared for me
so i'm here to say
that this isn't a pissing contest
neither of us can be sure
that one of us cares more
so let's just call it even?
and both do what we can?
you're so cute sometimes it
makes me sick
and you're so pushy sometimes it
makes me want you more
is that wrong?
that i cared for you
as much as you cared for me
so i'm here to say
that this isn't a pissing contest
neither of us can be sure
that one of us cares more
so let's just call it even?
and both do what we can?
you're so cute sometimes it
makes me sick
and you're so pushy sometimes it
makes me want you more
is that wrong?
Thursday, March 4, 2010
untitled
what the fuck is your problem
you go through all this
getting me where i am
and then you pull shit like you did today
and THEN you try and play it off
and act like i'm not mad
you've got a lot of guts, you bastard
i'm fucking furious
i'm tired
and i feel like dying
but you wouldn't notice
because you're too caught up in you
and don't get me wrong
i'm not saying you can't have a life
just don't forget me
don't leave me behind
i still need you
you're all i've got
who will pick up the pieces if you go?
i spend so much time
trying to keep you happy
so you don't snap
and leave me behind
but it worries me
when you can't appreciate that
almost everything i do
i do for you
to keep you happy
to get your attention
to create interest in me
most times it never works
but i keep trying anyway
hoping that
one day
you'll open your eyes
see what's in front of you
this broken little girl
the remnants of me
feast your eyes on that for once
you go through all this
getting me where i am
and then you pull shit like you did today
and THEN you try and play it off
and act like i'm not mad
you've got a lot of guts, you bastard
i'm fucking furious
i'm tired
and i feel like dying
but you wouldn't notice
because you're too caught up in you
and don't get me wrong
i'm not saying you can't have a life
just don't forget me
don't leave me behind
i still need you
you're all i've got
who will pick up the pieces if you go?
i spend so much time
trying to keep you happy
so you don't snap
and leave me behind
but it worries me
when you can't appreciate that
almost everything i do
i do for you
to keep you happy
to get your attention
to create interest in me
most times it never works
but i keep trying anyway
hoping that
one day
you'll open your eyes
see what's in front of you
this broken little girl
the remnants of me
feast your eyes on that for once
untitled
most of these poems are untitled
because
how do you put a title on an emotion?
an expression of emotion
guilt, anger, sadness
what do you creatively call those things?
without creating misconceptions
of what they are supposed to be
what they mean
lack of title
creates no preconceived ideas of the piece
take from it what you want
take from me what you want
come and get it
we're almost souled out!
because
how do you put a title on an emotion?
an expression of emotion
guilt, anger, sadness
what do you creatively call those things?
without creating misconceptions
of what they are supposed to be
what they mean
lack of title
creates no preconceived ideas of the piece
take from it what you want
take from me what you want
come and get it
we're almost souled out!
untitled
you turned to me and said
this isn't working
i don't want this
like i used to
and turned away and said nothing
what do you say to a statement like that?
body language
back away
don't come back when invited
if invited
rejection stings like a bitch
doesn't it?
this isn't working
i don't want this
like i used to
and turned away and said nothing
what do you say to a statement like that?
body language
back away
don't come back when invited
if invited
rejection stings like a bitch
doesn't it?
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
untitled
today is the day
that i decide
make the decision
about
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
it starts with this bottle
and the contents within
progresses to the gutter
where my mind can be found most days
when it isn't lost and wandering the streets alone
from the gutter to a prison cell
where i cannot think or do what i like
from there
we move to trust
the light of my life
who i cannot trust
because of the previous things
the gutter, the bottle, the prison cell
hardened
or softened?
consistently stepped on by others
looks like i'm on the right track so far.
that i decide
make the decision
about
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
it starts with this bottle
and the contents within
progresses to the gutter
where my mind can be found most days
when it isn't lost and wandering the streets alone
from the gutter to a prison cell
where i cannot think or do what i like
from there
we move to trust
the light of my life
who i cannot trust
because of the previous things
the gutter, the bottle, the prison cell
hardened
or softened?
consistently stepped on by others
looks like i'm on the right track so far.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
untitled
wouldn't it be...
i can't pick a word
to explain how this would be
if there were other worlds
in the universe
and we all had the same things
just variations of the same things
like.
bands.
we all had the same bands
just with different names
and different lyrics
maybe
and different music
who knows?
it's possible, right?
do aliens exist?
do they know we exist?
do they choose to live in blissful ignorance
or do they not care?
or are they even less technologically advanced than us...
do they have music?
literature?
is it anything like ours?
or are they smarter
they don't clog up their societies
with technology
sure we've made advancements
but it's going to kill us all eventually.
i can't pick a word
to explain how this would be
if there were other worlds
in the universe
and we all had the same things
just variations of the same things
like.
bands.
we all had the same bands
just with different names
and different lyrics
maybe
and different music
who knows?
it's possible, right?
do aliens exist?
do they know we exist?
do they choose to live in blissful ignorance
or do they not care?
or are they even less technologically advanced than us...
do they have music?
literature?
is it anything like ours?
or are they smarter
they don't clog up their societies
with technology
sure we've made advancements
but it's going to kill us all eventually.
Monday, March 1, 2010
untitled
i wish i could write music
and i just realized that my poetry is turning into more like
a journal entry
with irregular spacing
or something like that
i'll just hit enter
in the middle of a sentence
and that's what makes it poetry
what the hell
how does that even work?
meh
whatevs
no biggie.
biggie smalls.
what an oxymoron
i love that word
or sassafrass
or crustacean
so fun to say
ramble on cowboy
that's all this is
i'm rambling
get used to it
but i seriously wish i could write music
and i just realized that my poetry is turning into more like
a journal entry
with irregular spacing
or something like that
i'll just hit enter
in the middle of a sentence
and that's what makes it poetry
what the hell
how does that even work?
meh
whatevs
no biggie.
biggie smalls.
what an oxymoron
i love that word
or sassafrass
or crustacean
so fun to say
ramble on cowboy
that's all this is
i'm rambling
get used to it
but i seriously wish i could write music
your square cell is a cubicle formation, duh.
are you happy
inside your little box?
pacing
left to right
right to left
back and forth
and do it again
if you rotate the box
it is the same
are you in the box?
do you know what's really happening out here?
or are you outside the box?
but so immersed in wishing you were in the box
that you forget what's happening outside the box?
the grass is always greener, i guess
well that seems to be what you think anyway
have you ever wanted to escape from your box?
start running
only to find walls
and corners?
is that why you are who you are now?
you won't leave the box
because you think you CAN'T leave the box?
escape is impossible
so you wallow
in the pit you've created while pacing
wallowwallowwallow
that's all you ever do
is whine and bitch and chew
about the world outside
as you see it
contorted
because you know what?
you can't see through your box.
you don't have a glass box
through which you can observe the world
you have a titanium box
shut off from everything, everyone
kept safe
but always missing out
pitypitypity
that's all you ever were
all you ever will be
until you find the box key
don't throw your junk in my backyard
my backyard's full.
inside your little box?
pacing
left to right
right to left
back and forth
and do it again
if you rotate the box
it is the same
are you in the box?
do you know what's really happening out here?
or are you outside the box?
but so immersed in wishing you were in the box
that you forget what's happening outside the box?
the grass is always greener, i guess
well that seems to be what you think anyway
have you ever wanted to escape from your box?
start running
only to find walls
and corners?
is that why you are who you are now?
you won't leave the box
because you think you CAN'T leave the box?
escape is impossible
so you wallow
in the pit you've created while pacing
wallowwallowwallow
that's all you ever do
is whine and bitch and chew
about the world outside
as you see it
contorted
because you know what?
you can't see through your box.
you don't have a glass box
through which you can observe the world
you have a titanium box
shut off from everything, everyone
kept safe
but always missing out
pitypitypity
that's all you ever were
all you ever will be
until you find the box key
don't throw your junk in my backyard
my backyard's full.
ok so i lied
i don't always write when i feel
like i said
a lot of the best poems
were written when i was numb
numb as fuck
i guess numb is a feeling
so it's not a total lie
is it possible to not feel at all?
because when it comes down to it
youre always feeling
whether it's indifference
or annoyance
or just
whatever
so i guess i'm always writing when i'm feeling
because i'm always feeling
numbness only occurs
in death
and even then
maybe you feel?
how would you know?
like i said
a lot of the best poems
were written when i was numb
numb as fuck
i guess numb is a feeling
so it's not a total lie
is it possible to not feel at all?
because when it comes down to it
youre always feeling
whether it's indifference
or annoyance
or just
whatever
so i guess i'm always writing when i'm feeling
because i'm always feeling
numbness only occurs
in death
and even then
maybe you feel?
how would you know?
it's hard to write a poem when you don't feel broken enough
better
things are better
goodgoodgood
you
are saving me
confessions of a mother
of a "horrible mother"
pft.
fuck that.
horrible mother my ass
i'll horrible your mother
dog chases cat
running
who's chasing who?
i'm chasing you.
lemme do what i want.
runrunrun
goodgoodgood
lemme do what i wanna do.
things you don't know i do.
so when i ask you
lemme do what i wanna do
REPETITION
am i crazy?
moving picture frame in my mind
image after image after image
the cycle begins again
gestation period,
one week.
things are better
goodgoodgood
you
are saving me
confessions of a mother
of a "horrible mother"
pft.
fuck that.
horrible mother my ass
i'll horrible your mother
dog chases cat
running
who's chasing who?
i'm chasing you.
lemme do what i want.
runrunrun
goodgoodgood
lemme do what i wanna do.
things you don't know i do.
so when i ask you
lemme do what i wanna do
REPETITION
am i crazy?
moving picture frame in my mind
image after image after image
the cycle begins again
gestation period,
one week.
Monday, February 22, 2010
untitled
standing here
i quit school today
did you know that?
of course you wouldn't
you're too busy to care
to notice
glass of whiskey in my hand
the same old song and dance
add some new moves
anger
thrashing
turn turn kick turn
smash the glass against the wall
shattered pieces in my hand
the sting of whiskey
mixing with my blood
i lap it up
a last desperate attempt
at failed sobriety
at finding you
i swallow the whiskey
the blood
pieces of glass
take me away
take me where you are
take me where
i never need to feel again
only the glass tearing my stomach
and the whiskey reminding me of old wounds
i quit school today
did you know that?
of course you wouldn't
you're too busy to care
to notice
glass of whiskey in my hand
the same old song and dance
add some new moves
anger
thrashing
turn turn kick turn
smash the glass against the wall
shattered pieces in my hand
the sting of whiskey
mixing with my blood
i lap it up
a last desperate attempt
at failed sobriety
at finding you
i swallow the whiskey
the blood
pieces of glass
take me away
take me where you are
take me where
i never need to feel again
only the glass tearing my stomach
and the whiskey reminding me of old wounds
i hate when my tongue bleeds from biting too fucking hard
this is retarded
i'm not allowed to say what i think
because it might negatively impact others
who told me i couldn't?
no one.
i decided.
fuck i hate this hole i'm in.
i can't tell them
what i want them to hear
because it all comes back on my dad
or
i don't want to hurt their feelings
because i do love them
i just can't stand them
i can't face them
the worst part is
avoiding them
paying for things
that i decided not to do
fuck.
my.
life.
psychoanalyze me.
you're a fucking psychiatrist
in your fucking dreams
they don't even know what they're talking about
they have no fucking clue what's going on
and i have to tread carefully when i speak
especially when entering dangerous waters
wouldn't want to rouse the sharks now, would we?
i'm not allowed to say what i think
because it might negatively impact others
who told me i couldn't?
no one.
i decided.
fuck i hate this hole i'm in.
i can't tell them
what i want them to hear
because it all comes back on my dad
or
i don't want to hurt their feelings
because i do love them
i just can't stand them
i can't face them
the worst part is
avoiding them
paying for things
that i decided not to do
fuck.
my.
life.
psychoanalyze me.
you're a fucking psychiatrist
in your fucking dreams
they don't even know what they're talking about
they have no fucking clue what's going on
and i have to tread carefully when i speak
especially when entering dangerous waters
wouldn't want to rouse the sharks now, would we?
Sunday, February 21, 2010
harry and his bucketfull of dinosaurs
there is obviously something wrong with this child
do his parents not notice?
that he disappears
for hours at a time?
and when he comes back
he tells them about adventures with his dinosaurs
is it going to end up being like that scene
from premonition
where they call in people
to take him to a psych ward?
he thinks everything is fine
until one day
BAM!
you're in a psych ward
and are the dinosaurs real?
does anyone else see them?
do they really exist?
or is harry's grandma indulging his imagination...
setting out cookies for the dinos?
maybe it's genetic.
she sees them too.
but plays it off as indulging a child's fantasy...
to get aboard the magic ride
all we do is jump inside.
do his parents not notice?
that he disappears
for hours at a time?
and when he comes back
he tells them about adventures with his dinosaurs
is it going to end up being like that scene
from premonition
where they call in people
to take him to a psych ward?
he thinks everything is fine
until one day
BAM!
you're in a psych ward
and are the dinosaurs real?
does anyone else see them?
do they really exist?
or is harry's grandma indulging his imagination...
setting out cookies for the dinos?
maybe it's genetic.
she sees them too.
but plays it off as indulging a child's fantasy...
to get aboard the magic ride
all we do is jump inside.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
mr potato head
he stands on his stand
with his goofy glasses
and blank stare
what horrors has he seen?
him
the defective one with no butt flap
he cannot store his facial pieces
sodomized
by the plastic stand that came in the box
the special metal box
more like a cookie tin
a cell.
a tomb.
doomed to grow eyes
tentacles
desperately reaching out
yearning
for the light
open the box
light up his life.
put on his top hat
make him individual.
because right now
he's just a number
just another plastic potato.
with his goofy glasses
and blank stare
what horrors has he seen?
him
the defective one with no butt flap
he cannot store his facial pieces
sodomized
by the plastic stand that came in the box
the special metal box
more like a cookie tin
a cell.
a tomb.
doomed to grow eyes
tentacles
desperately reaching out
yearning
for the light
open the box
light up his life.
put on his top hat
make him individual.
because right now
he's just a number
just another plastic potato.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
untitled
somehow.
most of my poetry
does not have any title
except untitled
is that an example of irony?
i flunked english class...
most of my poetry
does not have any title
except untitled
is that an example of irony?
i flunked english class...
untitled
these lies
are like your touch
your taste
your lips
in the way you look at me.
i see.
you don't mean it
who would?
who could say anything like love
or forever
when it comes to a wretch like me?
the thing that hurts most
is you never did.
i never even got the satisfaction
of a lie.
are like your touch
your taste
your lips
in the way you look at me.
i see.
you don't mean it
who would?
who could say anything like love
or forever
when it comes to a wretch like me?
the thing that hurts most
is you never did.
i never even got the satisfaction
of a lie.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
untitled
there are people
i've betrayed
disappointed
by staying with you
they don't understand
don't want to see
what i see
what do i see?
i've betrayed
disappointed
by staying with you
they don't understand
don't want to see
what i see
what do i see?
untitled
before you came along
everything was dark; bleak
shades of gray
i couldn't believe it
yet there you were
playing a most wonderful
lovely
melody on my heart strings
and i let you in
but something changed
altered by fate
or some such bullshit
turning your major chords
to minor
slowing the melody
written for me alone
and as you play
you wish there was an audible heart beat
to keep time
but my heart beats are irregular
and at this point, you can't have both the melody and the beat
i am your incomplete song
the bane of your existence
and as you play your melody
my heart beat
inaudible
beings to slow
and so do you
as you reach the end of your tune
the end of me
defeated once again
and you've already moved on to the next
everything was dark; bleak
shades of gray
i couldn't believe it
yet there you were
playing a most wonderful
lovely
melody on my heart strings
and i let you in
but something changed
altered by fate
or some such bullshit
turning your major chords
to minor
slowing the melody
written for me alone
and as you play
you wish there was an audible heart beat
to keep time
but my heart beats are irregular
and at this point, you can't have both the melody and the beat
i am your incomplete song
the bane of your existence
and as you play your melody
my heart beat
inaudible
beings to slow
and so do you
as you reach the end of your tune
the end of me
defeated once again
and you've already moved on to the next
untitled
visions
my own
secrets that only i know
no one else is aware i have
dreams and wishes
that force me to
conform
in an attempt of repression
in that
i repress myself
so as not
to trouble anyone
no one needs to know
no, not right now
but the time will come
when the world breaks down
cracking the dam
making it flow
in a torrential wave
of fury
and unharnessed dreams
my own
secrets that only i know
no one else is aware i have
dreams and wishes
that force me to
conform
in an attempt of repression
in that
i repress myself
so as not
to trouble anyone
no one needs to know
no, not right now
but the time will come
when the world breaks down
cracking the dam
making it flow
in a torrential wave
of fury
and unharnessed dreams
untitled
have you noticed
that i'm sick?
that i'm tired?
of wishing and hoping
that maybe someday i'll find someone
who wants me
accepts me
and is capable of and willing to break down my barriers
to find me
and don't you DARE tell me there's someone for me
because i'm tired of being spoon fed
everyone else's broken dreams, senseless hopes
and fucking beliefs
little white lies, passed down through generations
to boost the ego of an ugly race
don't you dare tell me
because you know what?
it's not in the cards
that i'm sick?
that i'm tired?
of wishing and hoping
that maybe someday i'll find someone
who wants me
accepts me
and is capable of and willing to break down my barriers
to find me
and don't you DARE tell me there's someone for me
because i'm tired of being spoon fed
everyone else's broken dreams, senseless hopes
and fucking beliefs
little white lies, passed down through generations
to boost the ego of an ugly race
don't you dare tell me
because you know what?
it's not in the cards
untitled
everyone wants it to be ok
and human nature is strange
in that
we all set ourselves up for disappointment
like
we both know it's not ok
somewhere inside
we just know
but i'm always last to realize it
and it's never on my own
by the time someone snuffs that hope
i'm high as a kite
on the idea of the future
when suddenly
you become the commencement of my suicide
when i'm falling
and still telling everyone it's ok
so that no one will bother catching me
crying myself to sleep
but quietly
so that no one asks if i'm ok
because nothing's ok
and it never was
and never will be
and human nature is strange
in that
we all set ourselves up for disappointment
like
we both know it's not ok
somewhere inside
we just know
but i'm always last to realize it
and it's never on my own
by the time someone snuffs that hope
i'm high as a kite
on the idea of the future
when suddenly
you become the commencement of my suicide
when i'm falling
and still telling everyone it's ok
so that no one will bother catching me
crying myself to sleep
but quietly
so that no one asks if i'm ok
because nothing's ok
and it never was
and never will be
free
the silver clouds
in the bright blue sky
the wind that blows
for you and i
the grass of green
the sea of blue
the birds that sing
for me and you
so don't you worry
the way things may be
the best things in life
are free
in the bright blue sky
the wind that blows
for you and i
the grass of green
the sea of blue
the birds that sing
for me and you
so don't you worry
the way things may be
the best things in life
are free
unconditionally
when i look into your eyes
i see my future
staring back at me
daring me to reach out and touch it
when i see you
my heart skips a beat
shudders with longing
and screeches to a stop
when i need you
to the point where it feels like my heart will burst
and i want to press you close to me
making two beating hearts one
to the point where my legs become weak
and the world stops turning
but only for that moment
when i tell you i'll love you
unconditionally.
i see my future
staring back at me
daring me to reach out and touch it
when i see you
my heart skips a beat
shudders with longing
and screeches to a stop
when i need you
to the point where it feels like my heart will burst
and i want to press you close to me
making two beating hearts one
to the point where my legs become weak
and the world stops turning
but only for that moment
when i tell you i'll love you
unconditionally.
untitled
dreaming
conscious of my mental state
i look down at my skin
opalescent in the moonlight
i move through the thicket around me
cowering at my obvious vulnerability
i hear movements
i scream
in an attempt to escape
i run
nimble in my movements
but not fast enough
i fall to the ground
as i feel a gyration of movements around me
grating in my mind
the movement stops
and i do not breathe
cannot breathe
for fear i will be found once more
devastated by the loss of an innocence
as i feel the jumbled emotions move through my brain
inarticulate
i stagger away from the dreaded area
though never escaping the horror of that moment
a shudder passes through me
as i fight so smother my rage
my fury
my embarassment
corrupted
i heave
unable to draw air
i heave again
as i feel an irresistible urge to run
to stay
a cacophony of emotion
i stagger further into the forest
oppressive
funereal
i move forward
i heave
bringing myself to my knees
ululations escaping my throat
betraying my fears
as i hear a chant in the distance
implying something ominous
a rite of passage
a sacrifice
as my mind is devoured
by filthy thoughts
and necromancy
filled to the brim
with my dark memories
and i cannot wake
for it was never a dream
conscious of my mental state
i look down at my skin
opalescent in the moonlight
i move through the thicket around me
cowering at my obvious vulnerability
i hear movements
i scream
in an attempt to escape
i run
nimble in my movements
but not fast enough
i fall to the ground
as i feel a gyration of movements around me
grating in my mind
the movement stops
and i do not breathe
cannot breathe
for fear i will be found once more
devastated by the loss of an innocence
as i feel the jumbled emotions move through my brain
inarticulate
i stagger away from the dreaded area
though never escaping the horror of that moment
a shudder passes through me
as i fight so smother my rage
my fury
my embarassment
corrupted
i heave
unable to draw air
i heave again
as i feel an irresistible urge to run
to stay
a cacophony of emotion
i stagger further into the forest
oppressive
funereal
i move forward
i heave
bringing myself to my knees
ululations escaping my throat
betraying my fears
as i hear a chant in the distance
implying something ominous
a rite of passage
a sacrifice
as my mind is devoured
by filthy thoughts
and necromancy
filled to the brim
with my dark memories
and i cannot wake
for it was never a dream
birthday poem
joanie
thy guitar in they profile picture
reeks of pure awesome
although i know it isn't yours
so justin can't have it fo sho
and thy birthday is today
and ye be turning 15
which just to happens to be
a year younger than me
thy guitar in they profile picture
reeks of pure awesome
although i know it isn't yours
so justin can't have it fo sho
and thy birthday is today
and ye be turning 15
which just to happens to be
a year younger than me
untitled
i cried myself to sleep
because of you
because of the things you said
because of what you did
in a dream
i came to the realization that
it wasn't you i wept over
it was me
my idiocy
my gullibility
and i cried myself awake
because of you
because of the things you said
because of what you did
in a dream
i came to the realization that
it wasn't you i wept over
it was me
my idiocy
my gullibility
and i cried myself awake
untitled
the tender die young
the desperate die old
in a dark alley that reeks of death and despair
we are the youth
unite us
we are the old
don't fight us
with time comes age
with age comes wisdom
or does it?
the desperate die old
in a dark alley that reeks of death and despair
we are the youth
unite us
we are the old
don't fight us
with time comes age
with age comes wisdom
or does it?
untitled
death is the creeper
that follows you everyhwere
it's always there
a dark genderless mass
invisible to the untrained eye
it's there
in the bathroom, bedroom, kitchen
in the depths of your soul
that follows you everyhwere
it's always there
a dark genderless mass
invisible to the untrained eye
it's there
in the bathroom, bedroom, kitchen
in the depths of your soul
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