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maaaan
the other day
you said
you were gonna come over
once you had the chance
today
you say
you MIGHT come
because you're busy all day
and you won't be home
until later
i don't care what you're doing
that keeps you so busy
it's your life
but please
just keep your promises

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imagine this
onions
make us cry
what if
they make us cry
because as we cut them open
with their last dying words
they are sharing their life stories with us
and their lives
are so immersed in tragedy
that we cry for them
they speak to us
subliminally
so we never completely register
that we are being spoken to
we just cry
and the people who don't cry
are the truly heartless ones
that will not be affected
by the sad tales of others
if it stands
in the way
of getting a job done

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the final
breath
the final
memory in death
the final
flares
of fury
and passion
before all
becomes
silent

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i think that
while you search for something
to believe in
sometimes
you stumble across
a miracle
bigger
and more important to you
than the sun
the light
he is the star
that supernovas
right next to you
only problem is
once the supernova is over
all you have left
are the charred remains of
what you used to be
and a black hole
where he used to fit

bitch is gonna kill me

seriously
i know i've said
we can talk about this
but FUCK
i don't need updates on everything
he does
he is god
god is gone
there's nothing i can do
but bide my time
and get well
YOU are not helping
back off
please
just back down
your opinion
is not the be all
or end all
of this situation
leave me the fuck alone
just this once

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my favourite thing
is the painful sting
i get
when i think
of you
and every time
i draw a line
i do it
just
for you
destroy myself
hurt no one else
i learned
this all
for you

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progress
as we learned in english class
is important
the world cannot function
without progress
how the fuck am i still here?
my world has no progress
just a progressive circle
which isn't progress
i end up back at square one
i need
to get somewhere
accomplish something
do something right
for a change
before i die
if i break the circle
eternally
is that my final progression?
i finally break out
and die.
so zoned out
what the fuck is going on?
who the fuck gives a shit?

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it's starting to seem
like the days i see you
are the same days
that i cut
i'm not sure why
sometimes it happens
before i even see you
almost all times
it's before i see you
it's like a kick in the chest
when you're around
but i still want you around
what the fuck is my problem?

untitled

goddamn it all
the one thing i do
that i know you won't like me for
you never see happening
you're always pissed off
about the things i do to make you happy
i rarely ask for anything
and when i want to do what i want
you step in
i can only do what you want?
and i don't want to
so it's no fun for either of us
now is it?
fuck you

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i still remember
our last kiss
the desperation i felt
from you
the goodbye
i felt it
i felt you
searching for reasons
to stay
and i let you down
i'm sorry i did
i apologized that day
i wasn't myself
and you needed a reason
to stay
maybe you thought
i wanted you gone
because i didn't return
our last kiss
with the same passion
i tried to
but as per usual
you pulled away too fast
you always do
and i never got
the oppourtunity
to show you
how much i care
how much i want you
miss you when you're gone
if i'd known
every fibre of my existence
would have gone into that kiss
if only i'd known
if only i'd known...

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i love that feeling
where you're dizzy
you're spinning
around and around and around
and you can't stop
even if you wanted to
but you don't
you never want the dizziness
to end
the dizziness
blurs the bad things
the good things
and makes them one
great
big
blob
it's genderless
it's painless
and it can't hurt you
only problem with it is
you eventually fall down
and when you're at your most vulnerable
the bad inevitably finds you
every
goddamn
time

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i got drunk
first time in my life
and i just wound up crying
it was so worth it though
the only difference
is when i'm drunk
the things i do
make more sense
or
at least
i can justify them better

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i hate this
this...
waiting
and the impatience
i feel with it
i'm waiting
for...
someone to tell me
i'm doing the right thing
what is the right thing?
i'm waiting
for...
...
...
...
...
what the fuck am i waiting for?
you?
maybe.
i'm starting to forget my reasons why.
and i'm not sure how i feel about that
not just yet
i can't forget you
can't get you out of my head
but i forget why i remember you
it makes no sense
but have i ever really made sense?

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i want you
to get
inebriated
beyond coherency
and tell me
what you really think

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reading back
through all the poems
i've written about you
i've discovered that...
reading them
is tearing open old wounds
pouring salt
into the already
raw
bleeding
sores
and i'll keep doing it
it reminds me
why i'm still here
it reminds me
of you
trent reznor had it right
he had it right
the whole fucking time

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the only god
i ever believed in
was the god
of drugs
of sex
of music
of you
the only god
i believe in now
is the typo of my speech
the thorn in my side
fuck it all
god is gone
hope is gone
we are gone
at least
i wish we could be

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i realized this morning
that you were the first person who loved me
for me
you were
the only shred of light
of hope
i ever found in humanity
then you left
i can't do anything right
as per usual
i can't love you right
i can't make you stay
i can't make you leave
i can't make you do anything
and worst of all
i can't make me stop trying
goddamn it all
UPDATE
everytime i say it's the end
i'm not even close
i can't stand to be around you
i can't stand to leave you
this is definitely
one of the shittiest situations ever
all i do is
starve me
deprive me
miss me
worst of all
is missing you
why can't we both
just get the fuck out of my head?

untitled

how
do
you
tell
someone
you
love
that
they're
the
reason
you
wish
you
were
dead
?

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fuck fuck FUCK
this is never going to end, is it?
if i start moving on
*incoming intense guilty feelings*
if i stay hooked on you
intense depression waltzes in
chest puffed out
dominating everything it sees
the guilt leads to depression
depression leads to suicide
depression leads to suicide
depression leads to the end
i wish someone could tell me
what i want to hear
is that the answer?
if i leave
there's no hope
hope is gone for me
if i let hope in
i get disappointed
and i fall
maybe just...
plow my way through everything
hand in hand
with sadness?
or do i just give up?
gone gone gone
gone forever.

untitled

i'm really not sure what's going on with me
i didn't miss you
while i was with someone else
well, i did.
a little bit at least.
but i'm not used to
not missing you
or not feeling an intense longing for you
i still love you
i still want you back
but i'm regaining hope
does that make me a bad person?

untitled

boogers boogers
on the wall
pick 'em
flick 'em
where will they fall?

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i trust you
this isn't
to let you know
this is
to reassure me
i know that
if you don't want to talk to me
you'll just tell me that
at least, that's what i think you'd do
guess what?
so far i'm right.

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k so biggest breakdown to date
last night
a third party got involved
and you got upset
told me
you didn't want to be with me
ever again
we'll never be together again
this plus that
equals
meltdown
crying, screaming
wailing
throwing up
then calmness
consider...
going home
downing pills
whatever i can get my hands on
no. check myself into a hospital
so that nothing happens.
no.
talk to someone who knows you
who can help me understand.
now i understand.
i see you. your issues.
and i completely understand.
i'm here for you.
i love you
forever and always.
then today, apologies.
for you being upset.
and misunderstandings
i completely apologize
for misunderstanding you
and for upsetting you
and i apologize
for being me
for still thinking i've done something wrong
for wanting you
for wanting to be there for you
and
as sorry as i am
i'm going to keep doing it all
i'm going to be
the best fucking friend
you've ever had

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yesterday was a good day
im getting better
i spend a whole day thinking of you
and no problems
whatsoever
last night, however
was not so good
well
more like this morning
i sat outside
smoking
drinking
thinking
all with no pants on
i forgot pants
how the fuck do you forget pants?
i sat out there thinking
is it really possible to hate yourself this much?
or is it just me.
i'm a mutant or something...
who knows?
not me.

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trust
is a funny thing
you and i worked on trust
if you fall, i'll catch you
do you trust me to catch you?
you were the first person
i ever ever trusted
to actually catch me
and you did
i never expected
that you would also be the one
that would knock me down
try catching me this time
be my superman
no one else can

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i found someone else
not a replacement
no, no, no
i could never replace you
but someone who can fill that hole
in my chest
not by loving me
not by doing
anything you could have ever done for me
but by listening
not that you never listened
i just didn't talk to you
which i guess was a bad idea
but i didn't
because
i didn't want you to worry
ever
you have bigger things to worry about
than me
obviously