i can't think of another clever title, so i'm taking suggestions.

i'm waiting for you

i'm waiting
for you
to...
explode
be angry
kick me out

i'm waiting for...
the reaction
that i need to make me stay

it depresses me that you can't deliver

manchester orchestra writes songs for me, and i just gave birth to nine baby cows in my bathroom.

i wish
you didn't know all the things you do
i wish
you didn't know me so well
i wish
you didn't care so much
i wish
a lot of people didn't care so much
i wish
you weren't keeping an eye on me
i wish
i had my shit together
i wish
i had the balls
to do this

bullshit always tastes better when spread on disbelief.

your closeness
helped get rid of my
need for closeness
by creating hopelessness
my hopelessness
got rid of my
need for possessions
but i keep them around anyway
just like
i wish i could keep you around anyway
too bad you don't seem
to want to come around anymore

fuck.

remember when we were little and made pies out of oatmeal? yeah. that was fun.

your bullshit
made me dormant
for so long
now i'm finally awake
i can see
i can feel
i can live
write
dance
sing
fuck
it feels great
it makes me sad
that you'll never understand
you don't want to understand
then again
maybe i'm not so sad
maybe i just pity you
maybe i hate you
if i don't know
there's no way in hell that
you'll ever know
you don't give a shit

i really hope you die, so i have a reason to throw that party i've always wanted.

bastardbastardbastard
you've crossed this line
for the last time
you fucking son of a bitch
i've had it
go rot in hell
i'm done
with you
with it
with everything between us
you've taken advantage
ten too many times
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
you made me this way
you'll lose me this way too.
thanks for making it come to this
dad.

metaphors were never my forte, but i'm willing to try for you.

shattered glass
against the wall
leave the pieces
where they land
we can clean those up
once we've found time
to cleanse ourselves
purge our souls
of the wretches we've become
nothing sounds the same
when you're this far underwater
being whole means
fixing you first
as of late, i can't
grasp the concept
of your inner workings
wound like clockwork toys
we all must fall one day
some of us
will make progress
most of us
will hit a corner
get stuck
and die alone
i only hope
that i haven't been totally forgotten

i wish i could say this was bullshit, but then i'd be lying.

can you not see
the pain and suffering?
the dead
blank
stare
that you've created?
i wish you could know
i wish i could let me
let you know
i wish...
i wish you'd come out with me
just one more time
come stay with me
one more time
let me try
one more time
let me show you
what i should've shown you that final day
when i felt wrong
because you felt wrong
and it all went wrong
i wish...
for direction,
an attempt at saving
what we both once felt
i wish...
there was something i could do
for you
above everything else
it's all for you

him

who the fuck does he think he is anyway?
controlling me
i'm not a puppet on a string
you fucking disgust me
you and your crises
it takes a village to raise a child
but if members of that village
do not partake
and it falls on one
that really isn't team work, now is it?
it takes a village to fuck one up too
especially if the members of that village
are all of you
go die in a hole
id handle things better
without your interruptions

if it was possible to know everything, would you even bother trying?

why are you doing this?
agony agony agony
please
stop
go
agony agony agony
please don't go
stay with me
agony agony agony
how could you do this to me?
how did we even get here?
when did things change?
when did you change?
agony agony agony
how can someone withstand this much-
ah...
i see.

please.

why are my failures always her fault?
how could you possibly blame her?
she wasn't there.
she wasn't involved.
how could you possibly put this on her?
shes just an innocent
caught in my bad situations
let her be
let her dream
let her explore
and discover
and become what she needs to be
be what she needs you to be
not her keeper
not her cage
i am not her fault
this is all on you

fuck rhyming schemes. they can suck my dick.

for reasons
unbeknownst to me
you still act like you care
and for reasons
unbeknownst to you
i'm always right there
the problem is
between us both
we both get too confused
you don't assume enough
and i end up assuming too much...

this isn't a fucking pep rally, ok? get over yourself.

i'm constantly finding myself
in situations
where you
don't seem to care
and i
in an attempt to cast off all suspicion
pretend that i'm ok
so let's call it even, ok?
you hurt me
i don't tell you
i think that's a fair deal
i can survive the pain and suffering
i always have
and i always will
just so long as
i blur the lines
between individuality
and sacrilege.

it's just a matter of time before i kick in your fucking skull

backed up against the wall
your hands are on my neck
I TOLD YOU TO BE QUIET
the smell of alcohol on your breath
makes me sick
but i dare not retch
no need to make you more angry
you let me go
pick her up
i scramble further up the stairs
you're screaming
she cries
you let it out
and let her go
scrambling up the stairs together
hidden in the safety of the play room
waiting out the storm
or at least
waiting until you passed out
and always always always
pretending like
it
never
ever
happened.

spinning in circles until you're so dizzy you want to puke

can anybody hear me?
these tiny pills aren't working
i'm looking for some reassurance
the press of a hand
skin
my tits to your bare chest
abandoned by those who love me most
or at least, they said they did
you never once said i was beautiful
i settled for amazing
even though you never proved it
can anybody help me?
i've been this way so long that
i'm not so sure it's possible.
can anybody love me?
likely not
and when you claim you do
i know you've already left
can anybody fuck me?
i know you did
the act was completed
you were completed
i was left in pieces
oh well, i guess that's just how it works
can anybody stay with me?
not that it'd mean anything
can anybody save me?
no. i'm already gone.
i'm sorry.

why can't i just get my shit together?

simplicity
why can't we just be?
simply
together in
simplicity
put simply
you and me
together
i see
in the way you look at me
eternity
and the craving for
understading
acceptance
and simplicity

i thought i knew what i was doing, turns out i was wrong.

tearing me to pieces
i only wish you would
pull away my gruff
exterior
unveil my bruised
interior
appreciate the
splendour
now who feels
inferior?
obviously me
you've exposed my soft
interior
there's nothing special to me
there never was
i don't think there ever will be
at least,
that's what you told me.

untitled

strange
how,
when i'm happy
then suddenly down
the sky is happy
but,
rain suddenly pours down
it never fails to make me wonder
if the rain is just in my head?
and what if it is?
is there anyone to prove it?
screaming out for somebody
anybody
make me a guarantee
throw away your 90 day warranty
forever, stay with me
somebody?
anybody?
screaming out for
salvation
understanding
an end to the ceaseless rain.

untitled

i had this dream last night
i was princess leia
and i was in jabba the hut's house dealie
and he had captured han solo and chewbacca
so.
i told him i'd suck his cock if he'd let us go.
turns out jabba the hut doesn't have a cock.
but we fell in love anyway...
but on one of his million billion trips to the bathroom, someone spoke to him
and informed him that solo and the wookiee had been sent to another planet
well,
hell hath no fury like a woman scorned
and despite the fact that i love him
i left jabba the hut
it was one of the hardest things i'd have to do in my dream.
i searched the galaxy
and it turns out that han solo and chewbacca had been taken BACK to jabba the hut
so i went back
while i was gone his house dealie and become a castle dealie
so i kung fu-ed my way into one of their cannon tower thingies
and started shooting at them
but then i ran out of ammo
then hiccup and toothless from how to train your dragon flew up
and i noticed that jabba's (he and i are on a first name basis) men were shooting at us with dragon fire
ergo there must've been dragons in the castle.
so i asked hiccup if he could get us a dragon to fight back with
and he was all like OF COURSE
so he did
and we took out most of their guns
but then my dragon ran out of fire
and we had to feed it blood from toothless so it could survive
but it was still weak
so we tried to go hide in my ex-step mom's house
and i told the people i was with that the back door would be locked
and to watch out for dog poo
but they didn't listen
and they had shitty shoes and no way to get in
so we broke into jabba's castle
and i went to try and reunite myself with jabba,
but when he found out i was there, he was ashamed of himself
and afraid of facing me
so he hid in a dungeon where they keep their dragons
it was lined with skeletons
and i don't think i ever wound up finding anyone i was looking for
but man, what a FUCKED UP DREAM.
:D

untitled

Why do you miss him?
Because he's really nice
And we have good conversations
And I feel like myself around him
And he plays guitar and piano and he sings
And his voice is verbal jizz
And he thinks I make good coffee
<3