never sure of the cause
who is the cause
what is the cause
is it her?
is it you?
is it anyone else?
the levels of stress hang in the air
you can feel it when you walk in
not sure who it is
i really need to get away from
i hope it's not you
i hope it's not her
it's too hard living without you both
perhaps
you could both live without me?
you say you couldn't,
but being pushed away isn't so different
from leaving of my own volition
clearly
there are more important things on your minds
you haven't even noticed
i'm already gone.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
untitled
back to this
we've always had this
i can't remember anything before this
i hope there is nothing after this
only this
despite never being completely satisfied with all this
i will stay with this
this is all i ever told myself i'd need
this is all i have left.
we've always had this
i can't remember anything before this
i hope there is nothing after this
only this
despite never being completely satisfied with all this
i will stay with this
this is all i ever told myself i'd need
this is all i have left.
untitled
welcome back to this pit
we've missed you
i can almost honestly say i missed this too
it's comfortable here
i know what to expect
the past year has been
a whirlwind
a blur
a slow spiral to the ground
perhaps even further
who knows how much longer i will fall?
there seems to be
no end to me.
we've missed you
i can almost honestly say i missed this too
it's comfortable here
i know what to expect
the past year has been
a whirlwind
a blur
a slow spiral to the ground
perhaps even further
who knows how much longer i will fall?
there seems to be
no end to me.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
restore to original factory settings
i want to try
all the facets of death
defy
every one
i want to lay with you
until the stars explode
into a trillion bits of cosmic dust
die
and come back
all the wiser
and all the more naive for it
all the facets of death
defy
every one
i want to lay with you
until the stars explode
into a trillion bits of cosmic dust
die
and come back
all the wiser
and all the more naive for it
Monday, December 27, 2010
rawr. it means i love you in dinosaur.
THIS is what i've been holding on for
THIS is what i'm now clinging onto
THIS is all i have left
and THIS is all i could ever possibly need
at the very least, you are all i could have possibly ever dreamed of.
no, no, no. you are more than that.
there aren't words for what you represent.
this is why i will never be able to explain it to you.
THIS is love.
THIS is what i'm now clinging onto
THIS is all i have left
and THIS is all i could ever possibly need
at the very least, you are all i could have possibly ever dreamed of.
no, no, no. you are more than that.
there aren't words for what you represent.
this is why i will never be able to explain it to you.
THIS is love.
it's all been for THIS
if only we weren't in this situation
if only he weren't involved
if only we could be alone
funny, i've never wanted to be alone before
but i guess when you're alone together, it's not so bad
if only we could feel as much as we wanted
and express that feeling
with as much feeling as we deemed necessary
if only you knew what you represented
and supported
he is life support. and i hope he never pulls the plug.
then again, i wouldn't blame him if he did.
if only he weren't involved
if only we could be alone
funny, i've never wanted to be alone before
but i guess when you're alone together, it's not so bad
if only we could feel as much as we wanted
and express that feeling
with as much feeling as we deemed necessary
if only you knew what you represented
and supported
he is life support. and i hope he never pulls the plug.
then again, i wouldn't blame him if he did.
Friday, October 29, 2010
i guess i'm cool like that.
kinda sad that
the only thing that makes me feel beautiful
(besides you, obviously)
is sitting at home
on my own
wearing a platinum blond wig
that is kind of like...david bowie ate janis joplin
and playing world of warcraft
while watching a disney movie
WTF IS MY PROBLEM?!
the only thing that makes me feel beautiful
(besides you, obviously)
is sitting at home
on my own
wearing a platinum blond wig
that is kind of like...david bowie ate janis joplin
and playing world of warcraft
while watching a disney movie
WTF IS MY PROBLEM?!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
♥
i'm so glad you're not mad
just when i thought
that everything had gone all wrong...
i'm just...glad.
euphoric, actually.
i thought you were going to be the end of me.
just when i thought
that everything had gone all wrong...
i'm just...glad.
euphoric, actually.
i thought you were going to be the end of me.
Monday, October 11, 2010
amazing how i could squeeze myself through such a small window.
unable to breathe
wailing in a state of loss
for the one thing
that had managed to keep me alive for so long
and then it was gone
and wailing
at the prospect of a new beginning
with someone who makes me happier than you ever could have
terrified of the light presented before me
small though it was,
i've had a bad experience
with stars and their ways of being
i'm not sure i have space for another crater on my soul
but i suppose, we'll see how it goes
with a star as significant as you
wailing in a state of loss
for the one thing
that had managed to keep me alive for so long
and then it was gone
and wailing
at the prospect of a new beginning
with someone who makes me happier than you ever could have
terrified of the light presented before me
small though it was,
i've had a bad experience
with stars and their ways of being
i'm not sure i have space for another crater on my soul
but i suppose, we'll see how it goes
with a star as significant as you
i love you. i'm sorry.
he is the only one
who has ever had the ability
to...
render me speechless
and unable to breathe
we're always in sync...
looks like,
i've fallen into this trap
all over again.
who has ever had the ability
to...
render me speechless
and unable to breathe
we're always in sync...
looks like,
i've fallen into this trap
all over again.
Monday, September 27, 2010
you're a bitch, and that's what i like about you.
be in a photo with me
i need proof
that beautiful things,
like this,
can be real and not just dreams.
you're a living statue of adonis.
i am living proof of
less-than-mediocrity.
beautiful things like these
shouldn't happen,
especially between people
like you and me.
the fall is often not worth
the climb or the impact
but i fall into that trap every time.
i need proof
that beautiful things,
like this,
can be real and not just dreams.
you're a living statue of adonis.
i am living proof of
less-than-mediocrity.
beautiful things like these
shouldn't happen,
especially between people
like you and me.
the fall is often not worth
the climb or the impact
but i fall into that trap every time.
Monday, September 20, 2010
one of my few attempts at short stories.
i can never seem to forget that phone call, no matter how hard i try. it plagues me all hours of the day. your words ring clear in my mind;
"i can't do this anymore. it's just too much."
it was always too much for you to handle. it never ceases to surprise me how i talk of you in the past tense, as if you're already gone.
i remember sitting in the kitchen at the old wooden table. my mom told me once that you could still see the marks from where my grandfather's shirt buttons wore it down, but i could never find them. i searched for them again (a fruitless endeavor, no doubt) while also searching my brain for a solution to the big question; how could i save you?
i decided that a second opinion might help, so i went to my father. i told him that you'd called, and i told him what you'd said. his expression changed from one of pleasant surprise to one of grave sadness. i remember feeling happy because it made me feel like he would treat the situation with the importance it deserved.
the air between us began to feel awkward, so i went back to the kitchen.
later, when i went to bed, i felt confident that we'd be able to fix this. i decided that the situation was essentially resolved, although i couldn't shake the sinking feeling i had in the pit of my stomach.
i awoke the next morning on a bench. it was a very chilly fall morning and dew covered any and all surfaces outside, making them sparkle like a thousand tiny diamonds. it was beautiful.
noticing that i'd woken up, my father came over to me. as i rolled over to greet him, i noticed a crowd of about 50 people standing in your yard.
"where are we?" i asked.
he told me "we're at his house. we didn't want to tell you earlier because we know you two were close and we didn't want you to let it slip by accident, but we're throwing a surprise funeral for him and his family."
i could barely breathe. the news of your death hit me square in the heart, like a wrecking ball hitting an abandoned, rotted building.
i refused to believe it. if you were gone i wouldn't still be here, so i began searching the faces in the crowd for you. for answers; for anything.
i checked every single face floating around in your yard. every single one of them stared back at me with pity and curiosity, as if they'd never seen someone grieve before. everyone wore very old-fashioned black clothing, and not a single one of them was you.
it was only then that i noticed the girl.
she sat, perched atop your tree house, and flanked by two man-sized crows. she was blonde, with an athletic build. she had blue eyes and wore a simple outfit of a pink tshirt and jeans. she didn't have any shoes on. her expression was blank. i watched her for what felt like a very long time. she never moved. it seemed that she never even breathed, she was so still. she rarely blinked, but more so stared at the crowd and watched us all.
her eyes never once settled on me.
nobody else seemed to notice her. when i asked my father who she was, he said that she was an old friend of yours.
she frightened me and made me angry. i decided that i hated her.
i began to sob, wailing in a state of loss and grieving for not only you, but parts of me that had died as well.
and then you arrived.
your mother pulled the car into the driveway and parked. she seemed almost pleasantly surprised by the mass of people awaiting her in the yard. as the crowd moved in to pay their condolences, i saw you step out of the passenger side.
in your angry, silent way, you stood and waited. i've never been sure what it is you were waiting for, but you continued to wait nonetheless.
the girl's eyes focused on you. as if she were waiting as well.
i could hear all of the funeral guests talking to your mother, and it made me want to scream.
how is it that i can see you, but they can't? you're still alive! you're still here!
and nobody even noticed.
i screamed a scream that felt so large it swallowed me, and it became me.
and at the same time i never made a sound.
we were never heard, you and i. but then again, you never really tried to be.
the girl continued waiting in her silent, eerie way.
and the crowd moved on with the funeral proceedings.
all the pieces of what we had lay broken on the ground, the only flaw to be seen on that beautiful fall morning.
"i can't do this anymore. it's just too much."
it was always too much for you to handle. it never ceases to surprise me how i talk of you in the past tense, as if you're already gone.
i remember sitting in the kitchen at the old wooden table. my mom told me once that you could still see the marks from where my grandfather's shirt buttons wore it down, but i could never find them. i searched for them again (a fruitless endeavor, no doubt) while also searching my brain for a solution to the big question; how could i save you?
i decided that a second opinion might help, so i went to my father. i told him that you'd called, and i told him what you'd said. his expression changed from one of pleasant surprise to one of grave sadness. i remember feeling happy because it made me feel like he would treat the situation with the importance it deserved.
the air between us began to feel awkward, so i went back to the kitchen.
later, when i went to bed, i felt confident that we'd be able to fix this. i decided that the situation was essentially resolved, although i couldn't shake the sinking feeling i had in the pit of my stomach.
i awoke the next morning on a bench. it was a very chilly fall morning and dew covered any and all surfaces outside, making them sparkle like a thousand tiny diamonds. it was beautiful.
noticing that i'd woken up, my father came over to me. as i rolled over to greet him, i noticed a crowd of about 50 people standing in your yard.
"where are we?" i asked.
he told me "we're at his house. we didn't want to tell you earlier because we know you two were close and we didn't want you to let it slip by accident, but we're throwing a surprise funeral for him and his family."
i could barely breathe. the news of your death hit me square in the heart, like a wrecking ball hitting an abandoned, rotted building.
i refused to believe it. if you were gone i wouldn't still be here, so i began searching the faces in the crowd for you. for answers; for anything.
i checked every single face floating around in your yard. every single one of them stared back at me with pity and curiosity, as if they'd never seen someone grieve before. everyone wore very old-fashioned black clothing, and not a single one of them was you.
it was only then that i noticed the girl.
she sat, perched atop your tree house, and flanked by two man-sized crows. she was blonde, with an athletic build. she had blue eyes and wore a simple outfit of a pink tshirt and jeans. she didn't have any shoes on. her expression was blank. i watched her for what felt like a very long time. she never moved. it seemed that she never even breathed, she was so still. she rarely blinked, but more so stared at the crowd and watched us all.
her eyes never once settled on me.
nobody else seemed to notice her. when i asked my father who she was, he said that she was an old friend of yours.
she frightened me and made me angry. i decided that i hated her.
i began to sob, wailing in a state of loss and grieving for not only you, but parts of me that had died as well.
and then you arrived.
your mother pulled the car into the driveway and parked. she seemed almost pleasantly surprised by the mass of people awaiting her in the yard. as the crowd moved in to pay their condolences, i saw you step out of the passenger side.
in your angry, silent way, you stood and waited. i've never been sure what it is you were waiting for, but you continued to wait nonetheless.
the girl's eyes focused on you. as if she were waiting as well.
i could hear all of the funeral guests talking to your mother, and it made me want to scream.
how is it that i can see you, but they can't? you're still alive! you're still here!
and nobody even noticed.
i screamed a scream that felt so large it swallowed me, and it became me.
and at the same time i never made a sound.
we were never heard, you and i. but then again, you never really tried to be.
the girl continued waiting in her silent, eerie way.
and the crowd moved on with the funeral proceedings.
all the pieces of what we had lay broken on the ground, the only flaw to be seen on that beautiful fall morning.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
i can only hope for new beginnings
i can't help but wish
to look at this
and reminisce
of a simpler day
a time cut short
where we could both pretend we were happy
and get lost in each other
and what is this anyway?
i know for sure that it isn't what it used to be
there never used to be a need for
careful deliberation
we never hurt each other
but it seems like that's all we ever do now
grasp at straws and hang on
for this
always for this.
to look at this
and reminisce
of a simpler day
a time cut short
where we could both pretend we were happy
and get lost in each other
and what is this anyway?
i know for sure that it isn't what it used to be
there never used to be a need for
careful deliberation
we never hurt each other
but it seems like that's all we ever do now
grasp at straws and hang on
for this
always for this.
Friday, September 10, 2010
anyone else would be sick of the shit
he is
blameless
he is
nameless
he is
everything i ever wished for
everything i ever wanted to be
everything i ever wanted to feel
drain me
blameless
he is
nameless
he is
everything i ever wished for
everything i ever wanted to be
everything i ever wanted to feel
drain me
Monday, August 23, 2010
not feeling particularly creative as of late, but hey what can you do?
and lying here
so close to you
just one bedroom
away from you
doesn't make matters
this love
any easier
when all i can do
is think of you
and ache
and bleed
and fuck
and fight
well, it's not really living, is it?
mere survival
is key
survival, can't hurt you
it's living, that kills me
so close to you
just one bedroom
away from you
doesn't make matters
this love
any easier
when all i can do
is think of you
and ache
and bleed
and fuck
and fight
well, it's not really living, is it?
mere survival
is key
survival, can't hurt you
it's living, that kills me
Friday, August 6, 2010
i hate when shit hits the fan. it makes a huge mess...
when you say
you're going to fix the dam
especially if it's as broken as it is
it's important that
you do what you say you will
before the dam breaks down
and we all drown
good god man,
are you trying to kill us all?
you're going to fix the dam
especially if it's as broken as it is
it's important that
you do what you say you will
before the dam breaks down
and we all drown
good god man,
are you trying to kill us all?
Thursday, July 29, 2010
i can't think of another clever title, so i'm taking suggestions.
i'm waiting for you
i'm waiting
for you
to...
explode
be angry
kick me out
i'm waiting for...
the reaction
that i need to make me stay
it depresses me that you can't deliver
i'm waiting
for you
to...
explode
be angry
kick me out
i'm waiting for...
the reaction
that i need to make me stay
it depresses me that you can't deliver
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
manchester orchestra writes songs for me, and i just gave birth to nine baby cows in my bathroom.
i wish
you didn't know all the things you do
i wish
you didn't know me so well
i wish
you didn't care so much
i wish
a lot of people didn't care so much
i wish
you weren't keeping an eye on me
i wish
i had my shit together
i wish
i had the balls
to do this
you didn't know all the things you do
i wish
you didn't know me so well
i wish
you didn't care so much
i wish
a lot of people didn't care so much
i wish
you weren't keeping an eye on me
i wish
i had my shit together
i wish
i had the balls
to do this
Monday, July 26, 2010
bullshit always tastes better when spread on disbelief.
your closeness
helped get rid of my
need for closeness
by creating hopelessness
my hopelessness
got rid of my
need for possessions
but i keep them around anyway
just like
i wish i could keep you around anyway
too bad you don't seem
to want to come around anymore
fuck.
helped get rid of my
need for closeness
by creating hopelessness
my hopelessness
got rid of my
need for possessions
but i keep them around anyway
just like
i wish i could keep you around anyway
too bad you don't seem
to want to come around anymore
fuck.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
remember when we were little and made pies out of oatmeal? yeah. that was fun.
your bullshit
made me dormant
for so long
now i'm finally awake
i can see
i can feel
i can live
write
dance
sing
fuck
it feels great
it makes me sad
that you'll never understand
you don't want to understand
then again
maybe i'm not so sad
maybe i just pity you
maybe i hate you
if i don't know
there's no way in hell that
you'll ever know
you don't give a shit
made me dormant
for so long
now i'm finally awake
i can see
i can feel
i can live
write
dance
sing
fuck
it feels great
it makes me sad
that you'll never understand
you don't want to understand
then again
maybe i'm not so sad
maybe i just pity you
maybe i hate you
if i don't know
there's no way in hell that
you'll ever know
you don't give a shit
Saturday, July 24, 2010
i really hope you die, so i have a reason to throw that party i've always wanted.
bastardbastardbastard
you've crossed this line
for the last time
you fucking son of a bitch
i've had it
go rot in hell
i'm done
with you
with it
with everything between us
you've taken advantage
ten too many times
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
you made me this way
you'll lose me this way too.
thanks for making it come to this
dad.
you've crossed this line
for the last time
you fucking son of a bitch
i've had it
go rot in hell
i'm done
with you
with it
with everything between us
you've taken advantage
ten too many times
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
you made me this way
you'll lose me this way too.
thanks for making it come to this
dad.
metaphors were never my forte, but i'm willing to try for you.
shattered glass
against the wall
leave the pieces
where they land
we can clean those up
once we've found time
to cleanse ourselves
purge our souls
of the wretches we've become
nothing sounds the same
when you're this far underwater
being whole means
fixing you first
as of late, i can't
grasp the concept
of your inner workings
wound like clockwork toys
we all must fall one day
some of us
will make progress
most of us
will hit a corner
get stuck
and die alone
i only hope
that i haven't been totally forgotten
against the wall
leave the pieces
where they land
we can clean those up
once we've found time
to cleanse ourselves
purge our souls
of the wretches we've become
nothing sounds the same
when you're this far underwater
being whole means
fixing you first
as of late, i can't
grasp the concept
of your inner workings
wound like clockwork toys
we all must fall one day
some of us
will make progress
most of us
will hit a corner
get stuck
and die alone
i only hope
that i haven't been totally forgotten
Friday, July 23, 2010
i wish i could say this was bullshit, but then i'd be lying.
can you not see
the pain and suffering?
the dead
blank
stare
that you've created?
i wish you could know
i wish i could let me
let you know
i wish...
i wish you'd come out with me
just one more time
come stay with me
one more time
let me try
one more time
let me show you
what i should've shown you that final day
when i felt wrong
because you felt wrong
and it all went wrong
i wish...
for direction,
an attempt at saving
what we both once felt
i wish...
there was something i could do
for you
above everything else
it's all for you
the pain and suffering?
the dead
blank
stare
that you've created?
i wish you could know
i wish i could let me
let you know
i wish...
i wish you'd come out with me
just one more time
come stay with me
one more time
let me try
one more time
let me show you
what i should've shown you that final day
when i felt wrong
because you felt wrong
and it all went wrong
i wish...
for direction,
an attempt at saving
what we both once felt
i wish...
there was something i could do
for you
above everything else
it's all for you
him
who the fuck does he think he is anyway?
controlling me
i'm not a puppet on a string
you fucking disgust me
you and your crises
it takes a village to raise a child
but if members of that village
do not partake
and it falls on one
that really isn't team work, now is it?
it takes a village to fuck one up too
especially if the members of that village
are all of you
go die in a hole
id handle things better
without your interruptions
controlling me
i'm not a puppet on a string
you fucking disgust me
you and your crises
it takes a village to raise a child
but if members of that village
do not partake
and it falls on one
that really isn't team work, now is it?
it takes a village to fuck one up too
especially if the members of that village
are all of you
go die in a hole
id handle things better
without your interruptions
if it was possible to know everything, would you even bother trying?
why are you doing this?
agony agony agony
please
stop
go
agony agony agony
please don't go
stay with me
agony agony agony
how could you do this to me?
how did we even get here?
when did things change?
when did you change?
agony agony agony
how can someone withstand this much-
ah...
i see.
agony agony agony
please
stop
go
agony agony agony
please don't go
stay with me
agony agony agony
how could you do this to me?
how did we even get here?
when did things change?
when did you change?
agony agony agony
how can someone withstand this much-
ah...
i see.
please.
why are my failures always her fault?
how could you possibly blame her?
she wasn't there.
she wasn't involved.
how could you possibly put this on her?
shes just an innocent
caught in my bad situations
let her be
let her dream
let her explore
and discover
and become what she needs to be
be what she needs you to be
not her keeper
not her cage
i am not her fault
this is all on you
how could you possibly blame her?
she wasn't there.
she wasn't involved.
how could you possibly put this on her?
shes just an innocent
caught in my bad situations
let her be
let her dream
let her explore
and discover
and become what she needs to be
be what she needs you to be
not her keeper
not her cage
i am not her fault
this is all on you
Thursday, July 22, 2010
fuck rhyming schemes. they can suck my dick.
for reasons
unbeknownst to me
you still act like you care
and for reasons
unbeknownst to you
i'm always right there
the problem is
between us both
we both get too confused
you don't assume enough
and i end up assuming too much...
unbeknownst to me
you still act like you care
and for reasons
unbeknownst to you
i'm always right there
the problem is
between us both
we both get too confused
you don't assume enough
and i end up assuming too much...
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
this isn't a fucking pep rally, ok? get over yourself.
i'm constantly finding myself
in situations
where you
don't seem to care
and i
in an attempt to cast off all suspicion
pretend that i'm ok
so let's call it even, ok?
you hurt me
i don't tell you
i think that's a fair deal
i can survive the pain and suffering
i always have
and i always will
just so long as
i blur the lines
between individuality
and sacrilege.
in situations
where you
don't seem to care
and i
in an attempt to cast off all suspicion
pretend that i'm ok
so let's call it even, ok?
you hurt me
i don't tell you
i think that's a fair deal
i can survive the pain and suffering
i always have
and i always will
just so long as
i blur the lines
between individuality
and sacrilege.
it's just a matter of time before i kick in your fucking skull
backed up against the wall
your hands are on my neck
I TOLD YOU TO BE QUIET
the smell of alcohol on your breath
makes me sick
but i dare not retch
no need to make you more angry
you let me go
pick her up
i scramble further up the stairs
you're screaming
she cries
you let it out
and let her go
scrambling up the stairs together
hidden in the safety of the play room
waiting out the storm
or at least
waiting until you passed out
and always always always
pretending like
it
never
ever
happened.
your hands are on my neck
I TOLD YOU TO BE QUIET
the smell of alcohol on your breath
makes me sick
but i dare not retch
no need to make you more angry
you let me go
pick her up
i scramble further up the stairs
you're screaming
she cries
you let it out
and let her go
scrambling up the stairs together
hidden in the safety of the play room
waiting out the storm
or at least
waiting until you passed out
and always always always
pretending like
it
never
ever
happened.
Monday, July 19, 2010
spinning in circles until you're so dizzy you want to puke
can anybody hear me?
these tiny pills aren't working
i'm looking for some reassurance
the press of a hand
skin
my tits to your bare chest
abandoned by those who love me most
or at least, they said they did
you never once said i was beautiful
i settled for amazing
even though you never proved it
can anybody help me?
i've been this way so long that
i'm not so sure it's possible.
can anybody love me?
likely not
and when you claim you do
i know you've already left
can anybody fuck me?
i know you did
the act was completed
you were completed
i was left in pieces
oh well, i guess that's just how it works
can anybody stay with me?
not that it'd mean anything
can anybody save me?
no. i'm already gone.
i'm sorry.
these tiny pills aren't working
i'm looking for some reassurance
the press of a hand
skin
my tits to your bare chest
abandoned by those who love me most
or at least, they said they did
you never once said i was beautiful
i settled for amazing
even though you never proved it
can anybody help me?
i've been this way so long that
i'm not so sure it's possible.
can anybody love me?
likely not
and when you claim you do
i know you've already left
can anybody fuck me?
i know you did
the act was completed
you were completed
i was left in pieces
oh well, i guess that's just how it works
can anybody stay with me?
not that it'd mean anything
can anybody save me?
no. i'm already gone.
i'm sorry.
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