confessions of a broken prodigy

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2011-03-03T20:16:00.000-08:00

i want to try
all the facets of death
defy
every one
i want to lay with you
until the stars explode
into a trillion bits of cosmic dust
die
and come back
all the wiser
and all the more naive for it

rawr. it means i love you in dinosaur.

2010-12-27T12:41:00.000-08:00

THIS is what i've been holding on for
THIS is what i'm now clinging onto
THIS is all i have left
and THIS is all i could ever possibly need
at the very least, you are all i could have possibly ever dreamed of.
no, no, no. you are more than that.
there aren't words for what you represent.
this is why i will never be able to explain it to you.
THIS is love.

it's all been for THIS

2010-12-27T12:38:00.000-08:00

if only we weren't in this situation
if only he weren't involved
if only we could be alone
funny, i've never wanted to be alone before
but i guess when you're alone together, it's not so bad
if only we could feel as much as we wanted
and express that feeling
with as much feeling as we deemed necessary
if only you knew what you represented
and supported

he is life support. and i hope he never pulls the plug.
then again, i wouldn't blame him if he did.

i guess i'm cool like that.

2010-10-29T20:55:00.000-07:00

kinda sad that
the only thing that makes me feel beautiful
(besides you, obviously)
is sitting at home
on my own
wearing a platinum blond wig
that is kind of like...david bowie ate janis joplin
and playing world of warcraft
while watching a disney movie

WTF IS MY PROBLEM?!

♥

2010-10-27T08:45:00.000-07:00

i'm so glad you're not mad
just when i thought
that everything had gone all wrong...

i'm just...glad.
euphoric, actually.

i thought you were going to be the end of me.

amazing how i could squeeze myself through such a small window.

2010-10-11T18:26:00.000-07:00

unable to breathe
wailing in a state of loss
for the one thing
that had managed to keep me alive for so long
and then it was gone
and wailing
at the prospect of a new beginning
with someone who makes me happier than you ever could have
terrified of the light presented before me
small though it was,
i've had a bad experience
with stars and their ways of being
i'm not sure i have space for another crater on my soul
but i suppose, we'll see how it goes
with a star as significant as you

i love you. i'm sorry.

2010-10-11T18:23:00.001-07:00

he is the only one
who has ever had the ability
to...
render me speechless
and unable to breathe

we're always in sync...

looks like,
i've fallen into this trap
all over again.

you're a bitch, and that's what i like about you.

2010-09-27T13:23:00.000-07:00

be in a photo with me
i need proof
that beautiful things,
like this,
can be real and not just dreams.
you're a living statue of adonis.
i am living proof of
less-than-mediocrity.
beautiful things like these
shouldn't happen,
especially between people
like you and me.
the fall is often not worth
the climb or the impact
but i fall into that trap every time.

one of my few attempts at short stories.

2010-09-20T13:13:00.000-07:00

i can never seem to forget that phone call, no matter how hard i try. it plagues me all hours of the day. your words ring clear in my mind;
"i can't do this anymore. it's just too much."
it was always too much for you to handle. it never ceases to surprise me how i talk of you in the past tense, as if you're already gone.
i remember sitting in the kitchen at the old wooden table. my mom told me once that you could still see the marks from where my grandfather's shirt buttons wore it down, but i could never find them. i searched for them again (a fruitless endeavor, no doubt) while also searching my brain for a solution to the big question; how could i save you?
i decided that a second opinion might help, so i went to my father. i told him that you'd called, and i told him what you'd said. his expression changed from one of pleasant surprise to one of grave sadness. i remember feeling happy because it made me feel like he would treat the situation with the importance it deserved.
the air between us began to feel awkward, so i went back to the kitchen.
later, when i went to bed, i felt confident that we'd be able to fix this. i decided that the situation was essentially resolved, although i couldn't shake the sinking feeling i had in the pit of my stomach.
i awoke the next morning on a bench. it was a very chilly fall morning and dew covered any and all surfaces outside, making them sparkle like a thousand tiny diamonds. it was beautiful.
noticing that i'd woken up, my father came over to me. as i rolled over to greet him, i noticed a crowd of about 50 people standing in your yard.
"where are we?" i asked.
he told me "we're at his house. we didn't want to tell you earlier because we know you two were close and we didn't want you to let it slip by accident, but we're throwing a surprise funeral for him and his family."
i could barely breathe. the news of your death hit me square in the heart, like a wrecking ball hitting an abandoned, rotted building.
i refused to believe it. if you were gone i wouldn't still be here, so i began searching the faces in the crowd for you. for answers; for anything.
i checked every single face floating around in your yard. every single one of them stared back at me with pity and curiosity, as if they'd never seen someone grieve before. everyone wore very old-fashioned black clothing, and not a single one of them was you.
it was only then that i noticed the girl.
she sat, perched atop your tree house, and flanked by two man-sized crows. she was blonde, with an athletic build. she had blue eyes and wore a simple outfit of a pink tshirt and jeans. she didn't have any shoes on. her expression was blank. i watched her for what felt like a very long time. she never moved. it seemed that she never even breathed, she was so still. she rarely blinked, but more so stared at the crowd and watched us all.
her eyes never once settled on me.
nobody else seemed to notice her. when i asked my father who she was, he said that she was an old friend of yours.
she frightened me and made me angry. i decided that i hated her.
i began to sob, wailing in a state of loss and grieving for not only you, but parts of me that had died as well.
and then you arrived.
your mother pulled the car into the driveway and parked. she seemed almost pleasantly surprised by the mass of people awaiting her in the yard. as the crowd moved in to pay their condolences, i saw you step out of the passenger side.
in your angry, silent way, you stood and waited. i've never been sure what it is you were waiting for, but you continued to wait nonetheless.
the girl's eyes focused on you. as if she were waiting as well.
i could hear all of the funeral guests talking to your mother, and it made me want to scream.
how is it that i can see you, but they can't? you're still alive! you're still here!
and nobody even noticed.
i screamed a scream that felt so large it swallowed me, and it became me.
and at the same time i never made a sound.
we were never heard, you and i. but then again, you never really tried to be.
the girl continued waiting in her silent, eerie way.
and the crowd moved on with the funeral proceedings.
all the pieces of what we had lay broken on the ground, the only flaw to be seen on that beautiful fall morning.

i can only hope for new beginnings

2010-09-16T22:45:00.000-07:00

i can't help but wish
to look at this
and reminisce
of a simpler day
a time cut short
where we could both pretend we were happy
and get lost in each other
and what is this anyway?
i know for sure that it isn't what it used to be
there never used to be a need for
careful deliberation
we never hurt each other
but it seems like that's all we ever do now
grasp at straws and hang on
for this
always for this.

anyone else would be sick of the shit

2010-09-10T19:48:00.001-07:00

he is
blameless
he is
nameless
he is
everything i ever wished for
everything i ever wanted to be
everything i ever wanted to feel
drain me

not feeling particularly creative as of late, but hey what can you do?

2010-08-23T09:08:00.000-07:00

and lying here
so close to you
just one bedroom
away from you
doesn't make matters
this love
any easier
when all i can do
is think of you
and ache
and bleed
and fuck
and fight
well, it's not really living, is it?
mere survival
is key
survival, can't hurt you
it's living, that kills me

i hate when shit hits the fan. it makes a huge mess...

2010-08-06T18:30:00.000-07:00

when you say
you're going to fix the dam
especially if it's as broken as it is
it's important that
you do what you say you will
before the dam breaks down
and we all drown
good god man,
are you trying to kill us all?

i can't think of another clever title, so i'm taking suggestions.

2010-07-29T18:53:00.000-07:00

i'm waiting for you

i'm waiting
for you
to...
explode
be angry
kick me out

i'm waiting for...
the reaction
that i need to make me stay

it depresses me that you can't deliver

manchester orchestra writes songs for me, and i just gave birth to nine baby cows in my bathroom.

2010-07-27T17:14:00.000-07:00

i wish
you didn't know all the things you do
i wish
you didn't know me so well
i wish
you didn't care so much
i wish
a lot of people didn't care so much
i wish
you weren't keeping an eye on me
i wish
i had my shit together
i wish
i had the balls
to do this

bullshit always tastes better when spread on disbelief.

2010-07-26T14:21:00.000-07:00

your closeness
helped get rid of my
need for closeness
by creating hopelessness
my hopelessness
got rid of my
need for possessions
but i keep them around anyway
just like
i wish i could keep you around anyway
too bad you don't seem
to want to come around anymore

fuck.

remember when we were little and made pies out of oatmeal? yeah. that was fun.

2010-07-25T19:28:00.000-07:00

your bullshit
made me dormant
for so long
now i'm finally awake
i can see
i can feel
i can live
write
dance
sing
fuck
it feels great
it makes me sad
that you'll never understand
you don't want to understand
then again
maybe i'm not so sad
maybe i just pity you
maybe i hate you
if i don't know
there's no way in hell that
you'll ever know
you don't give a shit

i really hope you die, so i have a reason to throw that party i've always wanted.

2010-07-24T15:19:00.000-07:00

bastardbastardbastard
you've crossed this line
for the last time
you fucking son of a bitch
i've had it
go rot in hell
i'm done
with you
with it
with everything between us
you've taken advantage
ten too many times
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
you made me this way
you'll lose me this way too.
thanks for making it come to this
dad.

metaphors were never my forte, but i'm willing to try for you.

2010-07-24T15:16:00.000-07:00

shattered glass
against the wall
leave the pieces
where they land
we can clean those up
once we've found time
to cleanse ourselves
purge our souls
of the wretches we've become
nothing sounds the same
when you're this far underwater
being whole means
fixing you first
as of late, i can't
grasp the concept
of your inner workings
wound like clockwork toys
we all must fall one day
some of us
will make progress
most of us
will hit a corner
get stuck
and die alone
i only hope
that i haven't been totally forgotten

i wish i could say this was bullshit, but then i'd be lying.

2010-07-23T17:26:00.000-07:00

can you not see
the pain and suffering?
the dead
blank
stare
that you've created?
i wish you could know
i wish i could let me
let you know
i wish...
i wish you'd come out with me
just one more time
come stay with me
one more time
let me try
one more time
let me show you
what i should've shown you that final day
when i felt wrong
because you felt wrong
and it all went wrong
i wish...
for direction,
an attempt at saving
what we both once felt
i wish...
there was something i could do
for you
above everything else
it's all for you

him

2010-07-23T11:33:00.000-07:00

who the fuck does he think he is anyway?
controlling me
i'm not a puppet on a string
you fucking disgust me
you and your crises
it takes a village to raise a child
but if members of that village
do not partake
and it falls on one
that really isn't team work, now is it?
it takes a village to fuck one up too
especially if the members of that village
are all of you
go die in a hole
id handle things better
without your interruptions

if it was possible to know everything, would you even bother trying?

2010-07-23T11:27:00.000-07:00

why are you doing this?
agony agony agony
please
stop
go
agony agony agony
please don't go
stay with me
agony agony agony
how could you do this to me?
how did we even get here?
when did things change?
when did you change?
agony agony agony
how can someone withstand this much-
ah...
i see.

please.

2010-07-23T11:04:00.000-07:00

why are my failures always her fault?
how could you possibly blame her?
she wasn't there.
she wasn't involved.
how could you possibly put this on her?
shes just an innocent
caught in my bad situations
let her be
let her dream
let her explore
and discover
and become what she needs to be
be what she needs you to be
not her keeper
not her cage
i am not her fault
this is all on you

fuck rhyming schemes. they can suck my dick.

2010-07-22T21:29:00.000-07:00

for reasons
unbeknownst to me
you still act like you care
and for reasons
unbeknownst to you
i'm always right there
the problem is
between us both
we both get too confused
you don't assume enough
and i end up assuming too much...

this isn't a fucking pep rally, ok? get over yourself.

2010-07-20T21:28:00.000-07:00

i'm constantly finding myself
in situations
where you
don't seem to care
and i
in an attempt to cast off all suspicion
pretend that i'm ok
so let's call it even, ok?
you hurt me
i don't tell you
i think that's a fair deal
i can survive the pain and suffering
i always have
and i always will
just so long as
i blur the lines
between individuality
and sacrilege.

it's just a matter of time before i kick in your fucking skull

2010-07-20T10:37:00.001-07:00

backed up against the wall
your hands are on my neck
I TOLD YOU TO BE QUIET
the smell of alcohol on your breath
makes me sick
but i dare not retch
no need to make you more angry
you let me go
pick her up
i scramble further up the stairs
you're screaming
she cries
you let it out
and let her go
scrambling up the stairs together
hidden in the safety of the play room
waiting out the storm
or at least
waiting until you passed out
and always always always
pretending like
it
never
ever
happened.

spinning in circles until you're so dizzy you want to puke

2010-07-19T20:17:00.000-07:00

can anybody hear me?
these tiny pills aren't working
i'm looking for some reassurance
the press of a hand
skin
my tits to your bare chest
abandoned by those who love me most
or at least, they said they did
you never once said i was beautiful
i settled for amazing
even though you never proved it
can anybody help me?
i've been this way so long that
i'm not so sure it's possible.
can anybody love me?
likely not
and when you claim you do
i know you've already left
can anybody fuck me?
i know you did
the act was completed
you were completed
i was left in pieces
oh well, i guess that's just how it works
can anybody stay with me?
not that it'd mean anything
can anybody save me?
no. i'm already gone.
i'm sorry.

why can't i just get my shit together?

2010-07-19T18:41:00.000-07:00

simplicity
why can't we just be?
simply
together in
simplicity
put simply
you and me
together
i see
in the way you look at me
eternity
and the craving for
understading
acceptance
and simplicity

i thought i knew what i was doing, turns out i was wrong.

2010-07-19T17:19:00.000-07:00

tearing me to pieces
i only wish you would
pull away my gruff
exterior
unveil my bruised
interior
appreciate the
splendour
now who feels
inferior?
obviously me
you've exposed my soft
interior
there's nothing special to me
there never was
i don't think there ever will be
at least,
that's what you told me.

untitled

2010-07-12T20:05:00.000-07:00

strange
how,
when i'm happy
then suddenly down
the sky is happy
but,
rain suddenly pours down
it never fails to make me wonder
if the rain is just in my head?
and what if it is?
is there anyone to prove it?
screaming out for somebody
anybody
make me a guarantee
throw away your 90 day warranty
forever, stay with me
somebody?
anybody?
screaming out for
salvation
understanding
an end to the ceaseless rain.

untitled

2010-07-07T06:15:00.000-07:00

i had this dream last night
i was princess leia
and i was in jabba the hut's house dealie
and he had captured han solo and chewbacca
so.
i told him i'd suck his cock if he'd let us go.
turns out jabba the hut doesn't have a cock.
but we fell in love anyway...
but on one of his million billion trips to the bathroom, someone spoke to him
and informed him that solo and the wookiee had been sent to another planet
well,
hell hath no fury like a woman scorned
and despite the fact that i love him
i left jabba the hut
it was one of the hardest things i'd have to do in my dream.
i searched the galaxy
and it turns out that han solo and chewbacca had been taken BACK to jabba the hut
so i went back
while i was gone his house dealie and become a castle dealie
so i kung fu-ed my way into one of their cannon tower thingies
and started shooting at them
but then i ran out of ammo
then hiccup and toothless from how to train your dragon flew up
and i noticed that jabba's (he and i are on a first name basis) men were shooting at us with dragon fire
ergo there must've been dragons in the castle.
so i asked hiccup if he could get us a dragon to fight back with
and he was all like OF COURSE
so he did
and we took out most of their guns
but then my dragon ran out of fire
and we had to feed it blood from toothless so it could survive
but it was still weak
so we tried to go hide in my ex-step mom's house
and i told the people i was with that the back door would be locked
and to watch out for dog poo
but they didn't listen
and they had shitty shoes and no way to get in
so we broke into jabba's castle
and i went to try and reunite myself with jabba,
but when he found out i was there, he was ashamed of himself
and afraid of facing me
so he hid in a dungeon where they keep their dragons
it was lined with skeletons
and i don't think i ever wound up finding anyone i was looking for
but man, what a FUCKED UP DREAM.
:D

untitled

2010-07-04T21:29:00.000-07:00

Why do you miss him?
Because he's really nice
And we have good conversations
And I feel like myself around him
And he plays guitar and piano and he sings
And his voice is verbal jizz
And he thinks I make good coffee
<3

untitled

2010-06-30T14:10:00.000-07:00

he's rolie polie olie
he's something something round
and in this land of curves and curls
he's the swellest kid around
he's rolie polie olie
he stands and then falls down
and rolls away
something...gay
WEANH!!!

untitled

2010-06-30T08:07:00.000-07:00

writing songs
try to make contact
with another life form
a life force
but those phones
made of cans and string
just won't do the trick
and there's nothing more advanced
that i can create on my own
looks like
i'll never find a way out
trapped here forever
and i swear
only he can make webcam photos beautiful
thrashing around
he's into me
but the sound of his voice
leaves me speechless
maybe he's my contact?
the way i see it
is he's too perfect for this world
cans and string
sickening
writing songs
EPIC FAIL
WOOP WOOP
just try telling me
i'm wrong.

untitled

2010-06-25T17:47:00.000-07:00

it's hard
to have faith
when
nothing in your life
has ever
ever
EVER
worked out

untitled

2010-06-24T09:04:00.001-07:00

i'm digging
this sense of hope
that you've put in the air
and as of late
i'm ok
<3

this is just
another weak as shit
excuse for poetry...

untitled

2010-06-03T23:03:00.000-07:00

the time of shame
is in this era
in times of pain
of merciless bloodthirst
from which
there is no
ESCAPE
the time of shame
is here
in this world
in this society
in this mind
times of pain
times of shame
let bloodthirst reign
embrace the darkness
for nothing
can save you now
our best option
is to just...
give in
just...
GIVE UP.

untitled

2010-05-28T09:46:00.001-07:00

everyday with you
was like christmas
but i guess
christmas just
doesn't work out for me
[<3 dewey]

untitled

2010-05-25T16:15:00.001-07:00

i refuse to
die without you
knowing what's happening
in my heart

untitled

2010-05-23T20:01:00.001-07:00

i hate this part
where
i try to do something
that makes me happy
when i know
nothing will
i try to make plans
nothing works
thinking of the future
my future
makes me think of you
then i want to tell you
i love you
need you
want you back
strange though,
when i'm asked
"if there was one thing in this world that could make you happy, what would it be?"
my first thought is "you"
my actual response,
"i don't know"
i'm not ashamed
never ashamed
just tired
of being shot down
by everyone but you

untitled

2010-05-23T20:00:00.000-07:00

can't stop
must stop
won't stop
dreaming
you and i
forever
together
i'm sane
you're safe
we're happy
i wish i knew
exactly what we both wanted

untitled

2010-05-23T19:58:00.001-07:00

home is a disease on my skin
a self-plague
one which i am incapable of handling
memories flooding
creating an onslaught of wounds and open sores
from which only loss can bleed
no matter how hard i try
the memories keep flooding
loss continues pouring
and the decision is never finalized
"i welcome this pain, beating down on me"
the only thing keeping me balanced between breathing
and the final pull of the trigger;
YOU

untitled

2010-05-23T08:59:00.001-07:00

shut up
shut up
shut up
shut up
i'm sorry
sorrysorrysorry
so so so
fucking
sorry
...
still sorry
always sorry
is forgiveness
in your vocabulary?

untitled

2010-05-18T15:09:00.000-07:00

wish there
was something
i could do
for you
this is
a weak
as shit
excuse for
poetry

i'm sorry
forgive me

untitled

2010-05-12T11:23:00.000-07:00

every slice of my skin
every drop of blood
is redemption
and blissful ignorance
i can never breathe when i remember you
and even from day one
you had me by the heart
the hand
always by my side
you promised me forever
you lied

untitled

2010-05-12T11:22:00.001-07:00

trying to think
of all the things
i would sacrifice
for a deep cut
the only thing i'm sure about
is i'll never give you up
and i'll never give up on you

untitled

2010-05-12T11:18:00.000-07:00

every mark in my skin
is a memory of you
the blood
payment for remembering it
and you
for being the one
who pushed you away
my payment
will never be complete
the memories of you
will never cease to haunt me

untitled

2010-04-23T18:26:00.000-07:00

maaaan
the other day
you said
you were gonna come over
once you had the chance
today
you say
you MIGHT come
because you're busy all day
and you won't be home
until later
i don't care what you're doing
that keeps you so busy
it's your life
but please
just keep your promises

untitled

2010-04-23T09:31:00.000-07:00

imagine this
onions
make us cry
what if
they make us cry
because as we cut them open
with their last dying words
they are sharing their life stories with us
and their lives
are so immersed in tragedy
that we cry for them
they speak to us
subliminally
so we never completely register
that we are being spoken to
we just cry
and the people who don't cry
are the truly heartless ones
that will not be affected
by the sad tales of others
if it stands
in the way
of getting a job done

untitled

2010-04-23T07:33:00.001-07:00

the final
breath
the final
memory in death
the final
flares
of fury
and passion
before all
becomes
silent

untitled

2010-04-22T12:35:00.001-07:00

i think that
while you search for something
to believe in
sometimes
you stumble across
a miracle
bigger
and more important to you
than the sun
the light
he is the star
that supernovas
right next to you
only problem is
once the supernova is over
all you have left
are the charred remains of
what you used to be
and a black hole
where he used to fit

bitch is gonna kill me

2010-04-22T11:20:00.000-07:00

seriously
i know i've said
we can talk about this
but FUCK
i don't need updates on everything
he does
he is god
god is gone
there's nothing i can do
but bide my time
and get well
YOU are not helping
back off
please
just back down
your opinion
is not the be all
or end all
of this situation
leave me the fuck alone
just this once

untitled

2010-04-21T14:14:00.000-07:00

my favourite thing
is the painful sting
i get
when i think
of you
and every time
i draw a line
i do it
just
for you
destroy myself
hurt no one else
i learned
this all
for you

untitled

2010-04-21T12:35:00.000-07:00

progress
as we learned in english class
is important
the world cannot function
without progress
how the fuck am i still here?
my world has no progress
just a progressive circle
which isn't progress
i end up back at square one
i need
to get somewhere
accomplish something
do something right
for a change
before i die
if i break the circle
eternally
is that my final progression?
i finally break out
and die.
so zoned out
what the fuck is going on?
who the fuck gives a shit?

untitled

2010-04-21T11:55:00.001-07:00

it's starting to seem
like the days i see you
are the same days
that i cut
i'm not sure why
sometimes it happens
before i even see you
almost all times
it's before i see you
it's like a kick in the chest
when you're around
but i still want you around
what the fuck is my problem?

untitled

2010-04-20T12:50:00.000-07:00

goddamn it all
the one thing i do
that i know you won't like me for
you never see happening
you're always pissed off
about the things i do to make you happy
i rarely ask for anything
and when i want to do what i want
you step in
i can only do what you want?
and i don't want to
so it's no fun for either of us
now is it?
fuck you

untitled

2010-04-19T13:32:00.000-07:00

i still remember
our last kiss
the desperation i felt
from you
the goodbye
i felt it
i felt you
searching for reasons
to stay
and i let you down
i'm sorry i did
i apologized that day
i wasn't myself
and you needed a reason
to stay
maybe you thought
i wanted you gone
because i didn't return
our last kiss
with the same passion
i tried to
but as per usual
you pulled away too fast
you always do
and i never got
the oppourtunity
to show you
how much i care
how much i want you
miss you when you're gone
if i'd known
every fibre of my existence
would have gone into that kiss
if only i'd known
if only i'd known...

untitled

2010-04-19T12:31:00.001-07:00

i love that feeling
where you're dizzy
you're spinning
around and around and around
and you can't stop
even if you wanted to
but you don't
you never want the dizziness
to end
the dizziness
blurs the bad things
the good things
and makes them one
great
big
blob
it's genderless
it's painless
and it can't hurt you
only problem with it is
you eventually fall down
and when you're at your most vulnerable
the bad inevitably finds you
every
goddamn
time

untitled

2010-04-18T15:24:00.001-07:00

i got drunk
first time in my life
and i just wound up crying
it was so worth it though
the only difference
is when i'm drunk
the things i do
make more sense
or
at least
i can justify them better

untitled

2010-04-16T23:19:00.001-07:00

i hate this
this...
waiting
and the impatience
i feel with it
i'm waiting
for...
someone to tell me
i'm doing the right thing
what is the right thing?
i'm waiting
for...
...
...
...
...
what the fuck am i waiting for?
you?
maybe.
i'm starting to forget my reasons why.
and i'm not sure how i feel about that
not just yet
i can't forget you
can't get you out of my head
but i forget why i remember you
it makes no sense
but have i ever really made sense?

untitled

2010-04-16T22:09:00.000-07:00

i want you
to get
inebriated
beyond coherency
and tell me
what you really think

untitled

2010-04-16T22:04:00.001-07:00

reading back
through all the poems
i've written about you
i've discovered that...
reading them
is tearing open old wounds
pouring salt
into the already
raw
bleeding
sores
and i'll keep doing it
it reminds me
why i'm still here
it reminds me
of you
trent reznor had it right
he had it right
the whole fucking time

untitled

2010-04-16T19:39:00.000-07:00

the only god
i ever believed in
was the god
of drugs
of sex
of music
of you
the only god
i believe in now
is the typo of my speech
the thorn in my side
fuck it all
god is gone
hope is gone
we are gone
at least
i wish we could be

untitled

2010-04-16T17:21:00.000-07:00

i realized this morning
that you were the first person who loved me
for me
you were
the only shred of light
of hope
i ever found in humanity
then you left
i can't do anything right
as per usual
i can't love you right
i can't make you stay
i can't make you leave
i can't make you do anything
and worst of all
i can't make me stop trying
goddamn it all
UPDATE
everytime i say it's the end
i'm not even close
i can't stand to be around you
i can't stand to leave you
this is definitely
one of the shittiest situations ever
all i do is
starve me
deprive me
miss me
worst of all
is missing you
why can't we both
just get the fuck out of my head?

untitled

2010-04-14T20:59:00.000-07:00

how
do
you
tell
someone
you
love
that
they're
the
reason
you
wish
you
were
dead
?

untitled

2010-04-13T10:31:00.000-07:00

fuck fuck FUCK
this is never going to end, is it?
if i start moving on
*incoming intense guilty feelings*
if i stay hooked on you
intense depression waltzes in
chest puffed out
dominating everything it sees
the guilt leads to depression
depression leads to suicide
depression leads to suicide
depression leads to the end
i wish someone could tell me
what i want to hear
is that the answer?
if i leave
there's no hope
hope is gone for me
if i let hope in
i get disappointed
and i fall
maybe just...
plow my way through everything
hand in hand
with sadness?
or do i just give up?
gone gone gone
gone forever.

untitled

2010-04-12T17:53:00.000-07:00

i'm really not sure what's going on with me
i didn't miss you
while i was with someone else
well, i did.
a little bit at least.
but i'm not used to
not missing you
or not feeling an intense longing for you
i still love you
i still want you back
but i'm regaining hope
does that make me a bad person?

untitled

2010-04-08T12:28:00.001-07:00

boogers boogers
on the wall
pick 'em
flick 'em
where will they fall?

untitled

2010-04-07T18:32:00.000-07:00

i trust you
this isn't
to let you know
this is
to reassure me
i know that
if you don't want to talk to me
you'll just tell me that
at least, that's what i think you'd do
guess what?
so far i'm right.

untitled

2010-04-07T14:01:00.000-07:00

k so biggest breakdown to date
last night
a third party got involved
and you got upset
told me
you didn't want to be with me
ever again
we'll never be together again
this plus that
equals
meltdown
crying, screaming
wailing
throwing up
then calmness
consider...
going home
downing pills
whatever i can get my hands on
no. check myself into a hospital
so that nothing happens.
no.
talk to someone who knows you
who can help me understand.
now i understand.
i see you. your issues.
and i completely understand.
i'm here for you.
i love you
forever and always.
then today, apologies.
for you being upset.
and misunderstandings
i completely apologize
for misunderstanding you
and for upsetting you
and i apologize
for being me
for still thinking i've done something wrong
for wanting you
for wanting to be there for you
and
as sorry as i am
i'm going to keep doing it all
i'm going to be
the best fucking friend
you've ever had

untitled

2010-04-04T11:40:00.000-07:00

yesterday was a good day
im getting better
i spend a whole day thinking of you
and no problems
whatsoever
last night, however
was not so good
well
more like this morning
i sat outside
smoking
drinking
thinking
all with no pants on
i forgot pants
how the fuck do you forget pants?
i sat out there thinking
is it really possible to hate yourself this much?
or is it just me.
i'm a mutant or something...
who knows?
not me.

untitled

2010-04-03T09:49:00.001-07:00

trust
is a funny thing
you and i worked on trust
if you fall, i'll catch you
do you trust me to catch you?
you were the first person
i ever ever trusted
to actually catch me
and you did
i never expected
that you would also be the one
that would knock me down
try catching me this time
be my superman
no one else can

untitled

2010-04-01T19:54:00.000-07:00

i found someone else
not a replacement
no, no, no
i could never replace you
but someone who can fill that hole
in my chest
not by loving me
not by doing
anything you could have ever done for me
but by listening
not that you never listened
i just didn't talk to you
which i guess was a bad idea
but i didn't
because
i didn't want you to worry
ever
you have bigger things to worry about
than me
obviously

untitled

2010-03-30T21:29:00.000-07:00

i saw you
spent time with you
fuck, that was hard
it takes me back to being a kid.
LOOK WITH YOUR EYES, NOT YOUR HANDS
i can't touch you
can't reach out to you
i can't even tell you what i've been up to
(if you ask)
because you know what i've been up to?
hating everything
wanting to die
thinking of ways
to rid the world
of me
and i can't even tell you any of this
because i won't let myself
and the last thing i could stand
is living with myself
if you thought i was weak
or i upset you in any way

untitled

2010-03-27T08:32:00.001-07:00

so i'm home
it's not as bad as i thought it'd be
as long as i take
certain...
precautionary measures
i guess that's what you could call them
good thing too
because you showed up today
unexpectedly
good thing i was prepped for that
bleeding myself out
all the anger and sadness
not gone
but numbed
just long enough for you to be here

untitled

2010-03-26T12:00:00.001-07:00

i'm going home today
ohmigawhd
i've felt sick all day
and anxious
can i do this?
am i strong enough?
back to
not eating
not sleeping
wanting to be sick
all day
shitshitshit
i will do this
it's just a matter of whether i can or not
i'm getting better at surviving without you
it's the living part that's not so easy

untitled

2010-03-24T19:37:00.000-07:00

aaah
what the fuck do i do
if i give you space
you might think i'm not interested
if i get involved
you might think i'm pressuring you
is there some way i can win?
i feel like i never can
and i never do

untitled

2010-03-24T17:10:00.000-07:00

what a day
what the fuck
wake up
panic attack
coffee
dry toast
which i forgot to leave dry
and buttered
fuck me
researching and math
for two hours or more
reading
internet
msn
infuriating email
furious response
satisfaction
lunch
shower
went for a walk
came back
calm
then
furious
sick to my stomach
because of it
this is the most mundane poem
i've written so far
FUCK ME

untitled

2010-03-21T09:46:00.000-07:00

i really have nothing to say
i don't know why i'm writing
but somehow its making me calm
calm enough
to not contact you
you'd better be fucking thankful

you fucking prick

2010-03-21T06:12:00.001-07:00

just as i was on the brink
that final edge
YOU COME IN
did you say some kind words?
no.
did you tell me something to make me feel better?
no.
you fucking PISSED ME OFF
now part of me hopes
you get hit by a bus.
this had all better be a misunderstanding.
i've got better things
i could be doing right now
like not living
breathing
sleeping
anything like that
i could be fucking DEAD
and none of this would be happening
but NOOOOOOO
you just needed to piss me off.
congrats.
you finally get to see me furious.

this is it. well, almost

2010-03-20T17:04:00.000-07:00

i'm almost there
you know what i mean
that point where
you go from just saying
I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE
to actually not being able to anymore
i can't live anymore
i can't breathe
or sleep
or eat
or do anything right
and i just can't handle it
i don't want to handle it
if i'm not handling it with you
so like i said.
i'm almost there
this is almost it.
the straw that breaks the camel's back
will soon be laid to rest.

untitled

2010-03-19T15:50:00.000-07:00

three
days
of
solid
cartoons
and
counting
WTF

untitled

2010-03-18T15:32:00.000-07:00

it almost makes me cry.
every time i see you
a photo of you
a memory of you
a flashback of you
a dream of you
that's all it takes
and i get butterflies
and i feel sick because of it
and every time i talk to you there's
this sense of hopelessness
you seem so comfortable with
just being friends
i'm worried
that you'll never want to be anything more
ever again

untitled

2010-03-18T08:04:00.000-07:00

i wrote you a letter last night
and whether you ever see it or not
i can breathe now
i can eat
i did sleep
i still feel upset
sick to my stomach
and worried
oh my god, am i ever worried
but i can breathe
which is nice
i have come to terms
with whatever may or may not happen

untitled

2010-03-17T13:43:00.000-07:00

worry-come-true
you left
FUCK
you left
you're gone
gone gone gone gone gone
wish you weren't
wish i was dead
wish i could sleep
eat
live
without you
it doesn't look like you're coming back

untitled

2010-03-17T11:14:00.000-07:00

wtf
you're gone
i'm lost
confused
upset
what do i do?
can't sleep
can't eat
can't function
all i can do
is hope you get better
and come back
please, god
i hope you come back
your voice, well
it's the most painful sedative i've ever had
just...
please.
don't leave me.
please.
just come back.
i'll always be waiting
and i'm always here for you

untitled

2010-03-15T11:07:00.000-07:00

with our anchor
of inflatable lead
we sail
to the ends of nowhere
hand in hand
we begin our quest
to debt
to loss
to life
and death

untitled

2010-03-13T14:09:00.000-08:00

looking back on apologies
i wish
my voice were a little clearer
a little stronger
and that my intentions
were a little more honest
maybe even heart-felt
i'm sorry
for all my i'm-sorries
especially the ones
that weren't delivered the right way
i'm sorry i hurt you
i'm sorry i'm still here
and i'm most sorry
for forcing you to be with me

untitled

2010-03-13T07:30:00.000-08:00

i'm
broken
and
sometimes
i
think
you'd
be
better
off
without
me

i'm sorry

2010-03-12T06:34:00.001-08:00

i am so sorry
that you had to see me like that
that i treated you like that
i promised i never would
i would never get angry with you
which entails never treating you like crap
and i did it anyway
you have every right to leave
to say FUCK YOU
and leave
my biggest worry is that you will
despite that fact
that i treated you like crap
i really hope you stay
you're my novocaine
allowing me to roll down the rocky cliffs of life
unharmed
if you ever see this
i hope you get my robot chicken reference

untitled

2010-03-10T17:23:00.000-08:00

what is it
about the intimacy
of trading spit?
i don't understand
why it means something
yet i still feel it
growing in intensity
every time you touch me
until that moment
when you finally give me
what i want
what i yearn for
pressing me closer
draw in a breath
then catch on fire
blazing our way
to dissatisfaction
you pull away
you always pull away too soon

untitled

2010-03-10T17:15:00.000-08:00

a lot of my poems
are about hate
and they often include the phrase
"i hate (insert noun here)"
but i mean it
i really hate
this distance
where you're gone all the time
and all i do is think about you
all day
never sure if it's making things better or worse
easier or harder
the discomfort
of knowing i won't see you again today
is almost unbearable
the aimless wandering
the hope that you'll show up
the disappointment when you never do
if this weren't you we're talking about
i don't think i could take it

untitled

2010-03-07T12:16:00.000-08:00

i wish i was so numb
i couldn't feel you
so you can't hurt me
god knows you don't mean it
but it happens anyway
i can barely take it
this pain
this discomfort
this desperation
numbness
although a sad state of being
is ok.
no pain
i can handle the lack of happiness
it's not like i feel it often anyway

untitled

2010-03-05T08:27:00.000-08:00

you weren't so sure
that i cared for you
as much as you cared for me
so i'm here to say
that this isn't a pissing contest
neither of us can be sure
that one of us cares more
so let's just call it even?
and both do what we can?
you're so cute sometimes it
makes me sick
and you're so pushy sometimes it
makes me want you more
is that wrong?

untitled

2010-03-04T18:06:00.000-08:00

what the fuck is your problem
you go through all this
getting me where i am
and then you pull shit like you did today
and THEN you try and play it off
and act like i'm not mad
you've got a lot of guts, you bastard
i'm fucking furious
i'm tired
and i feel like dying
but you wouldn't notice
because you're too caught up in you
and don't get me wrong
i'm not saying you can't have a life
just don't forget me
don't leave me behind
i still need you
you're all i've got
who will pick up the pieces if you go?
i spend so much time
trying to keep you happy
so you don't snap
and leave me behind
but it worries me
when you can't appreciate that
almost everything i do
i do for you
to keep you happy
to get your attention
to create interest in me
most times it never works
but i keep trying anyway
hoping that
one day
you'll open your eyes
see what's in front of you
this broken little girl
the remnants of me
feast your eyes on that for once

untitled

2010-03-04T06:28:00.000-08:00

most of these poems are untitled
because
how do you put a title on an emotion?
an expression of emotion
guilt, anger, sadness
what do you creatively call those things?
without creating misconceptions
of what they are supposed to be
what they mean
lack of title
creates no preconceived ideas of the piece
take from it what you want
take from me what you want
come and get it
we're almost souled out!

untitled

2010-03-04T06:26:00.000-08:00

you turned to me and said
this isn't working
i don't want this
like i used to
and turned away and said nothing
what do you say to a statement like that?
body language
back away
don't come back when invited
if invited
rejection stings like a bitch
doesn't it?

untitled

2010-03-03T06:22:00.000-08:00

today is the day
that i decide
make the decision
about
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
it starts with this bottle
and the contents within
progresses to the gutter
where my mind can be found most days
when it isn't lost and wandering the streets alone
from the gutter to a prison cell
where i cannot think or do what i like
from there
we move to trust
the light of my life
who i cannot trust
because of the previous things
the gutter, the bottle, the prison cell
hardened
or softened?
consistently stepped on by others
looks like i'm on the right track so far.

untitled

2010-03-02T16:59:00.000-08:00

wouldn't it be...
i can't pick a word
to explain how this would be
if there were other worlds
in the universe
and we all had the same things
just variations of the same things
like.
bands.
we all had the same bands
just with different names
and different lyrics
maybe
and different music
who knows?
it's possible, right?
do aliens exist?
do they know we exist?
do they choose to live in blissful ignorance
or do they not care?
or are they even less technologically advanced than us...
do they have music?
literature?
is it anything like ours?
or are they smarter
they don't clog up their societies
with technology
sure we've made advancements
but it's going to kill us all eventually.

untitled

2010-03-01T18:25:00.000-08:00

i wish i could write music
and i just realized that my poetry is turning into more like
a journal entry
with irregular spacing
or something like that
i'll just hit enter
in the middle of a sentence
and that's what makes it poetry
what the hell
how does that even work?
meh
whatevs
no biggie.
biggie smalls.
what an oxymoron
i love that word
or sassafrass
or crustacean
so fun to say
ramble on cowboy
that's all this is
i'm rambling
get used to it
but i seriously wish i could write music